Many ages ago, I kick-started a feature on The Tyler Effect whereby I quickly and haphazardly sum up the crop of crap that litters the nation's theatres in an attempt to hold you, dear readers, from going insane, to ease you and cool you and cease the pain of these useless and pointless movies.

The only selection from this list I've actually seen is Burn After Reading. DO NOT GO SEE THIS FILM. Now, I'm a Cohen Brothers fan myself. I liked No Country, and The Big Lebowski is my favorite comedy. BAR, however, is a movie I should liken to smoking a joint of really shitty weed; you keep waiting for something, anything, to happen, and it never does. Eventually, you forget you ever smoked (saw) it, but every time you're reminded that you did, you get pissed off at the time you wasted and the bastard who sold you the bag (ticket) in the first place. Everything funny that happened in the movie happened in the damn previews. I know this complaint gets thrown around a lot, but it fucking applies. Just stay away, kids. This movie is a perfect example of the bullshit I so frequently talk about.

On to the lampooning.

Eagle Eye: Shia LeBeouf, lost in the Canadian wilderness, stumbles across a nest of eagles. They then proceed to rip him to shreds for an hour and a half in revenge for what he did to the Indiana Jones franchise.

Nights In Rodanthe: The latest phase in Nicholas Sparks' plan harvests the tears of America's women to fuel his Estrogen Ray, a terrifying contraption hell-bent on turning all the world's boyfriends, when dragged to see his movies, into sniveling pussies.

Lakeview Terrace: Sammy L. says motherfucker, a cop gets away with crimes because of his badge, only one man knows the truth, and thousands of puppies are burned alive by the raw power of cliché.

Fireproof: One monk's dream of immolation is dashed when he learns he is made entirely of calcium silicate.

Burn After Reading: Burn Instead Of Viewing.

Igor: A crippled lab assistant is the brunt of all this movie's jokes. Way to go, Hollywood.

Righteous Kill: Pachino and DeNiro team up for this hilarious buddy cop movie in the tradition of Lethal Weapon, Police Academy, and Million Dollar Baby.

My Best Friend's Girl: This summer's romantic comedy accomplishes something quite significant: it is neither romantic nor comedic. Dane Cook's character in this movie is named Tank, for God's sakes. I'm not sure I can top that.

Miracle at St. Anna: A huge step forward for director Spike Lee, Miracle at St. Anna takes a break from the director's propensity to bitch about race relations and finally… wait, what? Spike Lee is bound by contract to create controversy when there's no need or want of it? Never mind, then.

Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys: I don't know what this is about. Ask X.

And now, for the elderly and hard of hearing, the classic review of the month!

Turner and Hooch: An obsessively neat police detective is comically conflicted when he finds out his new partner is a slobbery Mastiff that operates a moonshine still.