I rollerbladed over to my friend's house to pick up my bike around 1am tonight. Halfway there, I got yelled at by a guy in the only car I passed on the trip: “ROLLERBLAAAAADING!!!” I couldn't decide whether that qualifies as an insult or not, but you know you've really sunk to a low form of transportation when somebody can just yell out what you're doing and cause you to ask yourself that question.

Hey, what did one rollerblader say to his friend? Nothing, his mouth was full of cock. (I hope you're taking notes, gray Toyota Corolla man.)

Seriously though, the reason I left my bike at my friend's house is because I was too drunk to ride it home. Which is interesting because when asked how I was able to down a forty in under 2 minutes I told someone, “Duuudude, it's liike ridiingg a bike…”

Is anyone else baffled by beer companies sponsoring NASCAR teams? First of all, I would have to assume that the driver is one of the only sober people at/watching a NASCAR race, otherwise everyone would realize how boring the sport is. Then the beer companies splash their name all over a car, so the driver has to stare at a gigantic “BUDWEISER” hood logo out of his peripheral vision (which is better than direct vision I'll have you know) for god knows how many laps (500 or so I would assume). If that doesn't make you thirsty for a beer, try being reborn as a male.

I've decided to advertise on my own car. I'm having huge “DUI” graphics made. Next time I get pulled over I'm telling the cop that AA told me to get a sponsor.

What cop would really pull over some guy with “DUI” written all over his car anyway? That's just asking for it. I firmly believe that cops like a challenge. Which is why I always start trash talking as soon as they ask me to walk a straight line.

Sometimes when I'm riding, I get scared of the fact that I put together the major pieces of my bicycle. Do you think that's the same feeling a woman gets before going out on a date? Do you think that woman could be referred to as a one night kickstand?

I was wondering if you could get a BUI, so I searched for it on the internet (Googling is soo 2001). The first result returned was for “Boating Under the Influence” and the only other non-person's-name result was for the “Badminton Union of Ireland.” I think it's safe to say I won't have any bike cops flashing their reflectors and ringing their bells at me. Unless it's for gay sex.