Tow, tow, tow my car
Gently down the street,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Parking's not for me.

My friend Lamar and I have decided that the absolute easiest money-making idea in the world is to operate a towing company. It's simple: win a contract with your city government, tow everything within sight (there's always a reason), and then charge $105 to drive it to your parking lot, where you may immediately begin tacking on a $10/day storage fee. It's like dragging somebody else's ship around the Monopoly board and collecting $200 at every 4th turn. Except there's no such thing as “Free Parking.”

If you think about it, towing is like a citizen's arrest on your car. I mean, sure, maybe you're parked “illegally,” but more often than not a police officer is just gonna give you a ticket. (Hey, public schools don't pay for themselves.) It's the private property residents and parking lot owners who really give a shit about you taking up their space or blocking their shit. So they call up some other citizens who have made it their sole job to arrest and detain vehicles. If only Dog the Bounty Hunter had such pathetic lawbreakers unwilling to put up a fight… I bet his show would be a lot less interesting and his hair a lot less platinum blonde (I'm still not sure which would happen first).

Towing isn't the only parking consequence either. Sometimes, just when you spot your car in the same place you left it and start high-fiving your friends, you realize you got the BOOT. The boot is not something your car put on because its feet got cold. The boot is more like a citizen's arrest performed by strapping an anchor to one of the guilty party's feet. Sure there's a risk of escape, but you're not gonna get very far before somebody calls the police because it looks like you were kidnapped and thrown over a bridge.

But I think I've got the solution: I'm going to buy my OWN boot and keep a bright yellow parking ticket handy. Then, whenever I park in a high-risk zone, I'll just put both on my car and it will look as though the damage has already been done. God I'm ahead of my time.

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