Welcome to another edition of Thoughts, a showcase of all the random thoughts going through my head, conveniently written in comedic form.

How come you never see an obese midget?

I'm in Chicago, visiting my sister. Last night, we went to a Walgreen's and there was a security guard there, right when you enter. I found this kind of weird (it's a fucking WALGREEN'S). I mean, what are you going to steal, a Tootsie Roll? But then, my sister told me that Shia Lebouf was actually arrested at this Walgreen's a few months ago. This very Walgreen's. Holy shit, right? A mediocre celebrity was arrested here?!? I'm going to buy all the items in the store! Apparently what happened was Shia wouldn't leave the store after repeated requests from security to leave. Now I love Walgreen's low prices and friendly service just as much as the next guy, but when I'm ordered by black people to do something, I do it. Scared. Anyways, I made sure to go back to this Walgreen's a couple more times throughout my stay here. After all, shopping at a store Shia Lebouf was arrested in is kind of like shitting on the toilet that Elvis died on.

Is it gay when a dog licks himself?

What's robot porn like?

I think you could make a lot of money by opening up a "Drunk Driving School." Throughout the class, give people secrets, tips, and tricks about what cops are looking for. Everyone has to bring a bottle of alcohol to class and take a shot every time you say the word ‘the.' Then it's time for some practical applications. Students go out on the road and must perform like they're sober, while you judge them based on back street usage, not driving crooked, not throwing up, not accidentally driving the car off a cliff to a fiery death, etc.

I think the best part of being a priest would be that your boss is God. You never see Him, He can never really yell at you, and He can't really fire you. I think the worst part of being a priest would be only being allowed to have sex with little boys. That would take a while for me to get used to.

Why don't they make non-alcoholic vodka, whiskey, rum, etc.??

I'm against walk-in closets, because they're the only closets you can come out of, and that's just going to lead to false homosexuality charges.

If Dr. Phil was at a restaurant, and somebody started having a heart attack, and their spouse yelled out "Is anyone here a doctor?" what would he say? Everyone at the restaurant knows he goes around parading himself as a doctor, yet he's just a television therapist. A bald one at that. And ugly. And fat.

Why don't they have C-Span in HD?

IRONY ALERT: I learned that over the weekend, my friend who is 2 years older me (22) stayed over at someone's place over the weekend and was drinking, and got so drunk that while he was passed out, he pissed the bed. Not his bed at home, but a bed at the place he was drinking. The funny thing is, the bed belonged to an 8-year-old, but it wasn't the young child wetting the bed, it was my 22-year-old friend. Oh, and he can't swim either. I bet the 8 year-old kid can swim, for christ's sake. And the kid probably doesn't wet the bed anymore after a long night of drinking.