So I pour blood onto babies. Big. Fucking. Deal. You're honestly telling me you've never drenched a baby with blood before? You, my friend, are a liar, then.

Is it a crime to bathe babies in blood? No, seriously. You're acting like it is. Show me where, specifically, in the local ordinances and/or the Constitution of the United States of America, it expressly prohibits or forbids the pouring of blood unto babies. The minute you do that, the minute I'll stop pouring blood onto babies (legally). 

Hey, at least I'm not doing the other things the voices in my head tell me to do!

Some people wonder how I can do it. They ask me how can you do such a thing? I'll tell you. First, I turn up classical music really loud. My apartment is shaking, my ears trembling. I light hundreds of candles. Then, I take several gallons of blood out of my refrigerator. Next, I grab the nearest baby and let the festivities begin. As the music builds and climaxes, the baby is covered head to toe with pure red blood, the blood dripping off of it replaced with new blood being showered onto it.

I'm like the Neil Armstrong of baby blood pouring!

Sometimes I drink the blood off of their toes. Who cares? It's not a big deal, honestly. And blood will never taste the same after you've chugged it off a newborn infant's toes.

I haven't had one baby complain yet.