If you read the magazine Popular Science every day, I swear you'd think we live in the year 3010 (why is it that people love to designate any arbitrary future year with 10 at the end?).
Somehow I have a free subscription to this wonderfully time-warping piece of monthly literature. Going back to my normal life after reading this on the toilet is like stepping off an airplane and being whisked away by an elderly camel from Tibet.
Let's take a looksee at some yummy example article headlines from the past 3 months shall we?! OFF WE GO INTO THE NEXT MILLENIUM!
Can a Small Start-up Build America's Next Spaceship?
OMG! I don't know, CAN THEY?? In the world I LIVE IN, the only thing small start-ups can do is hire 20 employees at minimum wage to undertake a ridiculous idea some douchebag thought up in his shower one morning, only to find out the company can never be profitable selling glow-in-the-dark sunglasses, lay off 18 employees, downgrade to a partnership, and then decide to hawk watered-down lemonade on the streets of New York City. Build a SPACESHIP? Sorry bub, you're thinking of NASA, the Russians, or maybe Google. Small start-ups can expect to start getting VC funding for things like model airplanes in say….3010.
How Cannibalistic Spider Sex Can Make You a Genius
I'm thinking one of two things: either the “Black Widow” is no longer the sexual maneuver I'm used to, or there's new evidence supporting the theory of “getting brains” from chicks.
Make Your Own Lightbulb
I know Thomas Edison isn't exactly “new school,” but the day I can pick up a few supplies from my “duck tape, screwdrivers and random fixing thingies” drawer to piece together a replacement for the 60W bulb that just burned out in my bathroom is….you guessed it…3010!!
Building a Better Bubble
Is this something we're even interested in DOING?? Are there kids out there complaining about the quality of chewing gum activities besides Violet Beauregarde? OH WAIT. That explains it. Willy Wonka is totally futuristic.
The Most Ambitious Eco-Friendly Skyscraper
Seriously, save it for 3010. We've still got a good 1000 years to continue indulging in gas-guzzling SUV's, giant speeding oil tankers, deforestation, pollution, the rebuilding of a non-eco-friendly World Trade Center tower, etc. etc.
As if we don't have enough going on on the ground. Hey, Popular Science, when the Jetsons turn into radical Islamic fundamentalists and decide to team up with Al Queda to duke it out Star Trek-style around the corner from the Moon, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW. Until then, let's just enjoy the innocence and natural wonders associated with our astronomy classes. Seriously, it's like the last class I can take that's relatively uncorrupted by politics and society. Some of the subheadlines within this article are even funnier. For instance, “But who are our opponents in space, and what is the threat?” GOOD ONE, maybe you should've asked yourself these questions before deciding it would be cool to do an article on the topic. Then there's the subheadline, “Is it legal to weaponize space?” BITCH PLEASE. We still can't decide whether it's legal to carry nail clippers on an airplane, and you wanna start up about is it legal to let some handguns float around in a place where you can't even breathe to carry 'em around? Sorry, that was just ignorant.