*Writer's Note: I would just like to clarify that I didn't conceive the idea of going to Disney. Instead, a friend invited me and others to celebrate with him. In retrospect, i'd have reconsidered or called Nate to ‘heighten' the experience with strippers…

Let's get something straight from the beginning: it's not the happiest celebration on Earth.

If you're sitting in the Disney Corporate Command Center under Space Mountain, there's a chance you might be grinning in celebration. Chances are though that it's gastrointestinal discomfort (i'd call a doctor). However, if you're someone who just dropped a semester's worth of college tuition on a “safari” around the Animal Kingdom, i wouldn't identify you as “one of the happiest celebrants on Earth.” No, in fact, the description i'd be looking for involves the phrase “most expensive sodomizing on Earth.”

Now, i'm sure some of you are whole-hearted Disney enthusiasts. I'd ridicule your very existence if I weren't brimming with pity. In fact, i'm fear for you since there's a chance you might live to spawn miniature cultists who foster your love of Disney merchandise and quasi-inclusive propaganda. Yes, I mentioned propaganda – you'll see why.

Namely, the “It's A Small World” ride is a sham.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of bullshit rides at Disney – but this one is like a socialist cry for help inside a Disney POW camp. Even if they could find a way to shove a gift shop at the end of the ride, they couldn't do a better job of mocking cultural acceptance and global unity. The only unifying concept Disney appreciates is converting foreign currency into Disney Dollars. I'm not bashing capitalism – i simply rather Disney not pretend it's anything more than a convenient way for families worldwide to dispose of income.

Speaking of rides, here's one for Disney: The Get-to-the-Point-Adventure.

While others may gripe about the length of lines, I accept the fact that all theme parks have lines. I'm okay with the concept of lines. I even believe that outside of Disney the shortest distance between two points is, in fact, a line. Disney could stand to eliminate some of the lines though, either by providing more things to do or some Darwinian survival cleansing. Whatever gets the job done. Honestly, the lines aren't even the most convoluted part of the “Disney Adventure” – it's the plots that push the envelope.

Everything at Disney has a plot. Yes, my astute reader, i'm aware that Disney is a form of theme park – My retort: taking a piss does not require a plot. In fact, it comes standard equipped with a plot: urination. It even has a hero: your genitalia and a villain: public urinals. Watch as you battle the urge to wonder if the last person to touch/sit/fondle any part of the ride you’re heading to also happens to be the same Olympic sprinter who dashed past hand washing in order to complete the feces-baton relay. Adventures like that aren't even chronicled. It's like visiting Narnia every time you step inside the restroom.

But I digress. The reality is everything at Disney has an additional theme to aid in the plot-development. Riding the elevator: plot. Ordering a Coke: plot. Standing in line: plot. (Not to spoil the line plot for you, but sometimes there's not even a ride at the ending!) Look, I love plots. In fact, as a writer, I find myself indulging in a plot or two from time to time. Sometimes, I take a hit just to take the edge off a stressful day or anytime i'm feelin' festive. When it comes to a “theme park,” I rest in the fact that everyone coincidentally knows of a really good plot even before they enter. It's the one where a customer surrenders fractions of their life savings and 8 hours of their existence for a chance to hop in line for two rides, a corndog, and several reminders of why one should avoid having any (if not more) children. Welcome to the “Magic of Birth Control Adventure.”

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