Here’s a quick listing of interesting ways to fail a test. When in need, feel free to use one if not all the following (when applicable):

1. Arrive early.

Remember, if you’re going to absolutely bomb something, you might as well get the bombing done as soon as possible. Delay leads to worry; worry leads to anger; anger leads to drinking…wait; never mind. Proceed.

2. If you do arrive early, don’t pull out the text to “panic cram” like all the kids who just did an all-nighter and are still worried.

You knew better. You had other plans. Maybe it was the season finale of The Office, and you thought it’d be sweet to go out to celebrate it. Maybe you thought it was a weeknight, and you thought it’d be sweet to go out to celebrate it. Maybe you had a thought, and that was sweet enough to go out and celebrate it. No worries for you. Besides, you’re too drunk to panic. If you aren’t, you are a failure at the one thing you had listed as a “skill set.”

3. It’s important to be calm.

Sometimes I develop a bloodlust in which I must ransack villages until a specific Indonesian tranquilizer dart can take me down. Your situation may be different. I recommend an herbal tea or large quantities of Valium. I must warn you that I am not a doctor, unless you count that time Amanda Perry and I played a special version of “Dr. Mario.”

4. Multiple choice tests are a chance to practice making patterns and coding hidden messages.

Remember watching “The Da Vinci Code?” Neither do I. But I read the book and figure you too can leave cryptic messages in your everyday lives. Tests should be no exception. Make zigzags or connect the dots. Scantrons have never been this fun! Don’t be a fool and attempt to actually answer some of the questions, unless they are part of your pattern. Even if you get some right, without the pattern you’re just some dumbass. With the pattern, you might just be the next Rainman.

5. Short answer and essay questions are yet another chance to show your creativity.

Teachers like funny answers way more than correct ones. In fact, even if you know the answer, use pictures and symbols that are funny instead of an exact answer. Nothing is more fun that failing something you know and getting tons of laughs in the process! You’ll be an instant star because people never forget “that guy who drew the thing in what’s-her-vagina’s class.”

I've no real reason why I bolded some text and not others. Maybe I'm just a rebel, the boldest rebel in the blogosphere. I am sooo going to fail this test…


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