Luke: Terror? We’re fighting a war against an adverb.
Nathan: You sure it’s not a noun, or an adjective?
Luke: How the fuck should I know? You’re the one with the English degree.

Welcome to the game, London. A few days before our government needed a reason to renew the Patriot Act, a small part of your city blew up. Then, a few days later, the wrong kid got killed for no reason by a trigger happy (and most likely very scared) cop. This is how it pans out. First, you get the explosion, then the outrage, then the overreaction, then the death of innocents. It’s okay though; Halliburton will rebuild your infrastructure. They gotta be good for something, right?

And hey, at least when your leader gets on television to give a speech, he sounds slick. Hell, Tony Blair could sell crack cocaine in church. I don’t know what he said to make you feel better, but I’m sure it worked. He’s that good.

Now, after the untimely death of an innocent, it becomes necessary for you to change some laws (it’s easier than having the people involved take responsibility for their actions). Here are some suggestions to prevent another unwanted murder by cop.

Make it illegal to fail to respond to a cop. Give the suspects four seconds, and if they don’t respond, shoot them. This will seriously cut down on the number of hearing impaired (see that? I’m politically correct. I could have written ‘deaf’, but they don’t like that so I didn’t) people in your population, but what the hell? Sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad.

Take a page from New York City and make random searches legal in the subways. This way, you can slow everyone down and possibly attain some illegal contraband, you know, as a bonus. Maybe it violates our fourth amendment, but we don’t care so why should you? Come on guys. We don’t need rights. We have fear.

Get some damn guns already. Look, the main reason that kid got shot is because the limey cop had probably fired a gun once in his life and he didn’t know what the hell the damn thing could do. Plus, the kid who got shot probably figured the cop wouldn’t shoot, you know, since no one shoots each other over there. I’m an American, and in my few years on planet earth I must have fired at least twenty different hand guns and an uncountable number of rifles. Keep in mind, I grew up in a city, never was in the military and have never owned a gun (which means that my experience with firearms is limited to random adventures with friends and family). You can’t be expected to respect the weapons if your own citizens aren’t allowed to carry them. Here in America, we all have guns. Granted, we have a lot more murders and what not, but still we live with the fact that at any given moment in public, at least one out of every eleven people is carrying a gun (source: total fiction). Thus, we have the knowledge necessary to respect someone holding a gun. This is a respect that your socialist, pansy citizens clearly lack. So, loosen the laws a little. Let the people shoot each other. Come on London, they worked hard all week.

And finally, make sure to make it very clear to your citizens that the young, unarmed man who was killed was a necessary fatality in a war against a much greater evil. I’m sure Tony Blair already handled this one in his speech, but people forget speeches. You have to reinforce the idea. So, before the liberal media and the activist groups make the murdered young man a martyr for their cause, make him one for yours. Have a funeral honoring him posthumously as a valiant soldier in the war against terror.

Now, these are just the suggestions of a layman, London. I’ve spent a grand total of twenty four hours in your fair city (the most expensive twenty four hours of my life, by the way) so I admit, I don’t have a great grasp of how your citizens think. But I’m pretty sure I know how this game is played. I am, after all, an American, which means that I understand why you were bombed and subsequently stricken with fear: the terrorists hate freedom, and you were way too free. So, take a page from America. If they hate freedom, make yourself less free. It works like a charm.

I’m Nathan DeGraaf and I approved this column (though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who did).


Nate’s note: This was originally intended as a column for PIC but Court rejected the idea because a) it’s not funny and b) it’s too political and c) it’s too serious. So I guess that means it’s TOO HOT FOR PIC!