Dear President Brocko Bomma,
My name is Copernicus Thunderbird and I would like to discuss some very serious issues with you. Before I start, you should know that I am homeless, unemployed, and what my last therapist sometimes referred to as "mentally colorful." Despite these many hardships that I have endured over the years, I am still a proud man. It is because of this pride that I have never once applied for food stamps or those little milk and cheese coupons that illegal immigrants live off of.
Oh sure, I occasionally eat garbage and harass college kids for beer money, but groceries? That's what stealing is for. And I steal like a motherfucker. Up until now it's been a pretty good system. However, I recently received my very first EBT card, or as I call it, poor man's bullshit fake credit card that you can't even get drunk with because it just buys one stupid kind of thing which makes it seem nothing like actual money but a whole lot like communism. I don't need your commie food charity, Brocko.
What am I supposed to do with all this food? I can't pawn the steaks, I already tried that. I could trade some Frosted Flakes for a handjob from the old fat lady with seven kids, but she gives lousy handjobs and the kids always steal my wallet while my pants are down. Sure it's empty, but that's not the point. The point is those kids are bastards and they can get their goddamn breakfast elsewhere.
Anyway, I've been thinking. Welfare is bullshit. Can you use it to buy drugs? No. Can you use it to buy guns? No. Can you use it to buy sex? Well… good sex? No. That's why I've decided to start up my own currency system. I've been hanging out at the local art school to smoke pot with the guys in the sculpture department and they've shown me how to smelt copper and forge it into coins with my face on one side and a dragon playing an electric guitar on the other side. I call them Thunderbucks. I've already made ten thousand of them and plan on distributing them through the ghetto sometime next month or so. Thunderbucks are backed by the National Federal Reserve of Crack Cocaine and are redeemable for anything from teenage hookers to black market bath salts. They are not to be used on food or diapers, or any other boring so-called necessities. You know, the type of stupid shit people buy with YOUR welfare money.
Jealous? I thought so. Well before you get any wiseguy ideas, you should know the National Federal Reserve of Crack Cocaine is located in the center of the Earth and guarded by giant robots made of spinning razor blades. So don't try to find it. You'll die in the lava first. But I'm willing to make a deal with you. If you pay me ten million dollars, I'd be willing to give you the authority to mint and distribute Thunderbucks across the country.
Now you may be wondering why you should support a form of money that can only be used on illegal goods and services. Allow me to explain. Criminals need regular money to buy criminal stuff. Criminals rob regular people for regular money. But if they had criminal money to buy criminal stuff, there'd be no need to rob anybody, right? Are you following me on this, Brocko? Can I call you Brocko, or do you prefer Brock? Whatever, I don't really care either way.
Oh, one more thing. You're probably wondering how I got an EBT card in the first place seeing as how I've never applied for one. I mentioned that earlier. Well I'll tell you. I won it in an international bumfight tournament. Yeah, it's a pretty big deal. There's one every year. It's basically the Kumite of bumfights. Did you ever see that movie Bloodsport with Van Damme? It's like that, only with more vomit and PCP. We invited you to come watch but you never showed up so we rented out your skybox to Dick Cheney and George W. In fact, they show up every year whereas you don't even bother to respond. And you call yourself a patron of the arts. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Love,
Copernicus Thunderbird, Homeless Lunatic Wizard