Evan Longoria is complaining about attendance at Rays' games.  I can't really blame the guy.  I mean, if Tommy Brady can lambast his loyal fans for leaving a blowout early, then surely Longo should be able to remind the home crowd that the Rays are one win away from clinching a post-season berth and it would be cool if the residents of Tampa Bay acknowledge that by like, showing up and stuff.  Nevertheless, lambasting the fans just makes you a douche, and it's especially pointless when said fans are a little lacking in the "existing" department. 

Speaking of existing departments, the print industry is not yet completely and totally dead.  And so Barnes & Noble booksellers are up for sale.  Personally, I would never buy a retail bookstore chain in this economy but then again, I couldn't afford a retail bookstore chain in any economy, so I'll just keep my opinion right here on the internet where absolutely no one will ever accidentally bump into it. 

Speaking of bumps, it looks like it will soon be Jimmy Carter's turn to die.  The former President (who still gets called President Carter because it's like a law or something) was recently rushed to a Cleveland area hospital to get treatment for an upset stomach that resulted from Carter's realization that he was somehow back in Cleveland, Ohio. 

Speaking of useless old people, the owner of the Segway Company died while driving his Segway, which is super funny on its own and doesn't require any jokes of any kind for any reason.  Sometimes life just provides the irony.  Sometimes life handles the premise and the punch line.  Sometimes life is awesome.  And anyway, it's nice to know he died the way he lived: too lazy to fucking walk.      

Speaking of not walking, a new study shows that banning texting while driving does almost nothing to decrease automobile accidents, which is a shame because people who cannot stop texting for a few minutes so they may focus on not-killing people with their vehicles really suck and need to die of something soon.  I was hoping the car accidents would get all these texting douchebags off the planet.  It looks like I'm just gonna have to rely on the Segways.  And when was the last time anyone relied on a Segway for anything?  Oh, right. 

Speaking of dead guys, a cook who was once featured on some Gordon Ramsay cooking show recently killed himself.  He is the second cook once featured on some Gordon Ramsay cooking show to do that.  There's a pattern emerging here.  You know how sometimes people will endure life events so shocking that they decide to take stock in their lives and figure out where they went wrong?  I think you know what I'm saying here.  That's right, I am saying that anyone who goes on a Gordon Ramsay show will kill themselves. 

Speaking of committing suicide, this dude in a Georgia Death Row prison cell tried to kill himself, was unsuccessful, and had to wait a week before the state could finish the job for him.  It just goes to show: government employees are lazy.

And in even more lethal injection news (yeah!), the first female to be executed in a long time (woo hoo!) was finally killed in Virginia the other day (hells yeah!).  Her last meal consisted of two fried chicken breasts, peas with butter, German chocolate cake, apple pie and a Dr. Pepper, all of which just sounds totally delicious to me but seems, I don't know, a little too southern.  It's like someone told her that she couldn't eat a rebel flag for a last meal so she said to herself, "Hmmm, what would Forrest Gump eat?"

And finally, because logic and fluidity are still working on getting over a cold, I leave you with the following, which my friend Doug said into response to Evan Longoria's complaints about a lack of fan support at Tropicana Field:

"I know how he feels.  Ten thousand people never show up at my place of business to watch me work either."

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