Michael Vick is in court today. Apparently, it has something to do with electrocuting dogs. All I really know for sure is that I'm not allowed to talk about Vick because having any opinion on his case while being white makes one racist. So let me apologize for anything I've typed here and just add that the Feds and the media are out to get Vick and all those dogs had it coming. Stupid mutts.

I'm now at twelve percent body fat. This means that I lost 11.5 pounds of fat in ten weeks. For those of you scoring at home, I am a super awesome badass who deserves your accolades. Bow before my slimness.

I have a good friend who is married with children. He lives thirty miles away. Saturday, he called me up and invited me over to see his new Big Screen LCD Television. We had the following conversation:

Dan: You gotta check out this TV. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Me: Dude, what about that time we double teamed those oil wrestlers?
Dan: I mean since I've been married.
Me: I'm not driving a half hour to see your TV.
Dan: It's HDTV, asshole. And it happens to be my high point of the decade.
Me: I'm never getting married.
Dan: Good plan.

Update: I just found out that Michael Vick got 23 months in prison. That seems like a long time considering that no humans were hurt. Whatever. I better stop typing now or I'll be a racist.

After watching the Patriots this weekend, I got to wondering what (wide receiver) Randy Moss and (quarterback) Tom Brady say to each other on the bench. I'll bet it goes like this:

Randy: Dude, you're awesome.
Tom: Fuck no, dude. You kick ass.
Randy: I don't know man. I think you're the best.
Tom: No man, you are.
Randy: I do kick ass. But I think you kick the most ass.
Tom: Fuck it. We're both the best at what we do.

I'm getting really sick of the Patriots.

Friday, I got drunk (I know you're shocked) and I slipped in the parking lot of the smoky pool hall. As I was falling, I very alertly (if I do say so myself) put my hands out and pushed myself back up right as a car was coming. When I saw the car I jumped up and pushed off its hood with my right hand. The chick driving apologized and so did I. Anyway, the entire event was witnessed by Sean the Liquor Store Cashier who caught up with me yesterday and said, “Man, you can't even fall like a normal person.” I'm still trying to decide if that was an insult or not.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are in Richmond, Virginia being racist, I leave you with the following, which I saw on a hippie's T-Shirt:

“Things are a lot more like they are now then they used to be.”


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