Soon, there will be a new holiday in America. Soon, we will have parades to honor some of the bravest, most talented and supremely dedicated scientists in the world, because soon, women will no longer have to suffer through periods. I can only hope that this will cause women to be less irritable and more sane. And if my hope comes true, I think we'll all be happier. Well, all of us except the tampon industry's stockholders. This might be bad news for them.

The sport of hockey has taken a serious beat down over the last few years. After over-expanding into cities that really don't deserve NHL teams (and yes, I live in one of those cities, but Tampa has a Stanley Cup so save it), locking out for an entire season and getting booted off ESPN, hockey had turned into the media's organized-sport whipping-boy. And on Saturday, it was NBC's turn to throw a lash and yell Toby. NBC decided that absolutely no one outside of Ottawa and Buffalo had any interest in watching the fourth game of anNHL conference championship series (I'm not sure which conference). Apparently (and I say apparently because I had no interest in watching this game so I cannot confirm for certain that this is what happened here), NBC did not show the overtime period of game 4 of this NHL conference championship and instead cut away to the two hour preview show for the Preakness Stakes (which, I believe, is a horse race). So basically, hockey is now less popular with Americans than is horse racing. Or possibly, the people who run NBC are idiots. Or, even more likely, to quote Forrest Gump, “Maybe it's both. Maybe both are happening at the same time.”

The great thing about having unprotected sex with a girl who is not on birth control is that her periods start to evoke a different feeling than the previously accepted feeling, which can best be summed up as, “shut, up, whore.” I mean, instead of being all pissed 'cause the girl's being a bitch because she's got cramps, you get all happy because the girl's being a bitch because she's got cramps, which means she's not pregnant. As some of you may know, this puts a much more positive spin on periods. And that's better than a kick in the balls, eh?

Here in Florida, we are all being advised not to use too much water because we're in the middle of a huge drought but I don't really care. I'm gonna use as much water as I can and then I'm gonna pay some money to some environmental companies to make up for it. Al Gore taught me this trick. There's no reason to respect the environment when you have money, and we all know that I'm rich, baby! I drive an Acura.

Mainly because I'm dating a smoking hot, crazy chick who dresses like her body can't bring her enough attention, I have run into a lot of guys who refer to themselves as alpha males. Now, maybe I'm getting a little Freudian here, but if one was truly an alpha male, wouldn't one let one's actions prove this? I mean, how does stating that you are an alpha male make you appear confident and without the need of an ego stroke? To me, these guys just seem kind of pathetic and insecure. Or, to borrow a phrase from my friend Lanie, “I know how hot that asshole is. He tells me all the time. It still doesn't make me want to sleep with him.”

And finally, because logic and fluidity are rushing to happy hour to escape the ringing phones, I leave you with the following, which was told to me by a wise, old man.

“Everyone lies to get laid. If it weren't for sex, what would we have to lie about?”


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