Bush vetoes child health insurance plan
President Bush vetoed a bipartisan bill from Congress today that would expanded health insurance for children. “I believe in private medicine, not the federal government running the health care system,” said President Bush. “In a fair, free market economy, children would be able to choose their own doctors — or better yet, perform surgery on themselves.”

Scientist invents computer pillow to stop snoring
A German scientist has invented a “computer pillow” that analyzes snoring noises and changes the size of air compartments to minimize the activity. The next version of the pillow will also change to prevent headaches, so that you'll be able to get a pain-free sleep or find out if your wife is lying.

Miss America keeps kids safe on ‘Net
Lauren Nelson, the current Miss America, has released a new web browser aimed at protecting children from inappropriate material on the internet. Whenever a child tries to access an inappropriate or harmful website, the browser will redirect them to safe, wholesome articles detailing make-up tips, instructions on how to tape your breasts together, beauty pageant listings, and a body fat calculator.

Oversalted burger leads to charges
A McDonalds employee is facing criminal charges for giving a police officer a burger so salty that it made the man sick. Lab results show that the problem was not an overabundance of salt, but the lack of spit, semen, and feces that found its way into most of the officer's previous burgers. “I knew something was off,” the man said. “Normally I get the best burgers from the underprivileged fast food employees who I fuck with, but this one didn't have that special ‘oomph' I've come to expect.”

Brain function of liberals, conservatives differs
A new study shows that the brain functions of liberals and conservatives differ when confronted with difficult choices. When confronted with the question of how both parties could put aside their differences and work together to help the country, for example, the conservative brain ceased functioning, while the liberal brain simply stopped working.

Sony shows rolling music player
Sony has announced a new music player called “The Rolly,” which lights up, spins around, and rolls across the floor. Sure, it's funny now, but when someone plugs in the Exorcist theme and throws it into your room at 2 AM, it will be a different story. The “I peed my pants because of a robot” story. Again.