"PUSH! PUUUUSHHHHH!" the annoying doctors and nurses around me scream in my ear.

"Chill." I take a drag of my cigarette. "Everyone just chill. I'm not going to be able to tell when the tranqulizers I took kicked in if everyone around me is freakin' out."

"Ma'am, you need to start pushing now."

I feel a weird sensation in my body. "Hey, chill out down there," I yell at my stomach. I look at the doctor near my feet. "Not you. But you do need to chill the fuck out too."

"Ma'am, would you like a natural childbirth or would you prefer an epidural for pain?"

"Can I snort the epidural?"

No answer.

I feel like a slut with everyone staring at my vagina. My 9 to 5 job at the strip club gives me enough experience with that, I don't need these creepy doctors and nurses sneaking a peek.

I take a long drag of my cigarette and a swig from my flask.

"Ma'am, I highly advise you get rid of that flask right now."

"Chill, a little 151 never killed anyone. A lot of 151 never killed anyone."

The lower part of my body starts moving uncontrollably back and forth. Usually I have no control over my vagina, but right now I LITERALLY have no control over it.

I light up another cig. Childbirth is so stressful. And soooo annoying.

Finally, as my cigarette's about halfway done, a final sharp pain jolts through me and they pull a dirty, bloody, crying baby from my cooch. God, no one's gonna wanna eat me out now.

"Congratulations, ma'am. It's a -"

"Chillchill. Shhhh. I think the tranks finally kicked in. It's a miracle."

The doctor holds the baby and stares at me with the most puzzled, impatient look on his face.


"Yeah, yeah. Just set it over there." I motion to the wastebasket. All the doctors and nurses gasp simultaneously. "Wait. Wait. Nonono." I look down at the innocent human being who just came out of me. I stare deep into its eyes, and it stares right back. All is silent. A change of heart comes over me. "Actually, set..set it over there." I motion to the recycling bin. After all, I'm an environmentalist.