With the playoffs starting this week, myself and Nate will be corresponding emails mocking, attacking, and reminiscing over baseball in our own retarded way. Enjoy.
Nate: So, which was your favorite moment in last night's game. I'm guessing it's one of these three: Giambi's piece of shit throw to the plate (which bounced off a bat left behind in the dirt), A-Rod letting one go right through his legs (Buckner style by the way–could the tables have turned? I mean, can you hand off a curse?) or Captain Varitek's homerun? Weird game.
Justin: Easily the AROD blunder, only because my roommateMark, diehard Blue Jays fan, fervent Sox hater, andgiant douchebag was singing the praises of AROD forMVP based solely on his solid defensive play.By the way, what does it say about the fact that Iwatched 150 Red Sox games this year, followed aboutten others, and participated in five fantasy baseballleagues, but didn't realize until the sixth of inningof today's game that the Yankees could clinch thedivision with a win. Who comes up with these rules?David Lynch?Ok, so I've got two big Qs for you:1. Who's your AL and NL MVPs? I'm obviously much moreinterested in the AL part, but let's agree todisagree. San Diego was in fact founded by Germans in1903, naming the city after a whale's vagina.2. If I said I'm picking San Diego over the Cards infive, can we still be friends?
Nate: I want it noted that my hangover woke me up today. That is one hell of a hangover. Anyway, here we go again. As regards the clinch statement, I remember back when the Cardinals tied the Astros and Tony LaRussa official petitioned baseball to make us co champions even though the Astrosa won the tiebreaker. Baseball didn't do it. So, to this day, the Cardinals aren't allowed to celebrate a tie breaker clinch at all. They have to wait 'till their magic number is 0. Tony scares me. Get ready for some serious National League over managing (I wish we could have a different coach for the post season. Like, let LaRussa get us there, and then pick up Leyland or McKeon. That'd be sweet). Anyway, it says that you weren't paying attention to an obscure rule that makes no sense, anyway. Tie breaker? What the fuck is this, football? Play a fucking game. 1. Obviously it's Albert Pujols in the National League. It has to be. And if it's not, well I'm gonna be pissed. In the AL, it's a tougher call. Here's how I see it.First, allow me to preface this statement with my biggest MVP rule: your team must go to the post season for you to be MVP. Fuck Andre Dawson. You gotta get them there. Otherwise, what the hell is so valuable about you anyway? So, if the Red Sox go, it's Papi all the way. I know he doesn't field, but I don't care because he leads the league with like six hundred game winning hits. Take him away, they don't go to the post season (by the way, my condolences on the death of Wakefield's knuckleball. Never seen Fenway so still and quiet. I would have emailed you about it, but I didn't want you to fuck up your hand and your computer and then send me the hospital bill). If the Bo Sox don't go, then it gets tricky. I don't think you can pick a Yankee because there's too many valuable players (Giambi, Rodriguez, Jeter, Sheffield). So, you'd have to look at the White Sox or Anaheim, which is why I'd pick Vlad Guerrero, mainly because I don't know shit about the AL and my buddy Dan in LA keeps saying they wouldn't be shit without Vlad. 2. We can still be friends. But you'd be an idiot. Here's what's gonna happen in the NL post season. The Padres are gonna show some life and lose in four. The Astros are gonna hang tough and beat the Braves in 5. Then, the Astros and Cardinals are gonna play 7. I don't know who will win, but I know that by the time we've reached that game, LaRussa will have started six different outfielders. Now, all for you J-Reb:I'm openly hoping for a one game playoff between the Cleveland Indians and the Boston Red Sox. I love the one game playoff. Now, if the Sox lose and Inidans win (or vice versa) we won't get that. So my question is, how pissed would you be to not go to the post season after leading practically the whole year. I would be calling St. Louis talk shows long distance and writing threatening letters to Cardinals management. Furthermore, I would crawl into an emotional hole so deep and dark that it would cause me to turn my blog into a hate site for Tony LaRussa to the point where Court would just pull the plug on my blog and refuse to post any column that even mentions baseball (which would cause me to leave cryptic messages in my column that only other Cardinal fans would get and that Court would miss because he hates baseball—kind of socialist of him if you ask me, but whatever, to each their own). Anyway, my question is this, how pissed would you be to miss the post season? You seem like an angry guy. I bet you'd get get pretty pissed. But could you describe the level off pissedoffitude? Oh yeah, and good luck, today. 2.Who is your AL and NL MVP? 3.Why on earth would you fucking pick the Padres?
Justin: If you're going to call me J-Reb, I need some kind ofhetero nickname for you, how does N-Dug sound? Kindaracial, eh?I agree with you on just about everything, especiallyPujols for MVP. For awhile I drove the Miguel Cabrerabandwagon, but the Marlins completely shit the beddown the stretch. How does a team with power, speed,good pitching, a solid bullpen, and great defense notmake at least a wild card? Weird season for the worstfans in baseball.As for the coaches thing, I completely agree, but I'lltake it one step further and let you incorporatecoaches from other sports. Like you wouldn't takeBelichick or Jeff Fisher or Andy Reid over Tony “Threepitchers for three outs” LaRussa. And with that said,let me tackle your questions in reverse order.3. I'm taking the Padres for several reasons: theaforementioned LaRussa, who is so subtly incompetent Ithink only us hardcore baseball fans realize how badhe is. Watching him in the World Series last year waslike watching your drunk buddy stumble to his car fora 45-minute drive home. You know you should stop him,but you're oddly amused by the whole thing. Two: Ilike Jake Peavy over anyone the Cards have, evenCarpenter, who apparently sipped some of MattClement's Kool-Aid down the stretch. Three: TheCardinals haven't played a meaningful game since July;they seem too relaxed, and too many people are pickingthem. I just think something weird is about to happen.Last time I felt this good about a goofy upset wastaking Vermont over Syracuse in March Madness, andonly because I went to high school with T.J.Sorrentine.2. NL, again is Pujols. Although they should give itto Bonds again just to see if that finally is whatdoes in Skip Bayless. His brain could literallyexplode all over the 1st and 10 set, and if I can getsome conclusive proof that will actually happen, sorryAlbert. In the AL, it's Ortiz. AROD's been fantasticand I give credit where credit's due, but Ortiz hasliterally hit his team into the playoffs. If they madea DVD on Ortiz's clutch hits from 2005, that shitwould be longer than Magnolia. Also, it allows us toput to bed that retarded notion that by not playingthe field, a player has less value. Here's myquestion: How come nobody has brought up the fact thatOrtiz makes about $15 million less than AROD? That'sthe very definition of value. Screw it, give the ALMVP to Barry Bonds, too.1. Well, I can't be pissed about something that didn'thappen, but the tiebreaker issue really pissed me off,and here's why: I work at the sports section of anewspaper, and every jackoff in New England wascalling, needing a detailed explanation of thetiebreaker rules. And as I'd explain it, they wouldyell at their dog to get off the couch, miss an entiresection, and go “Huh?” That's why I hate the phone.Ok, my questions for you:1. What potential World Series MVP would piss you offthe most?2. If you could invent an award for baseball, whatwould it be?3. Do you find it odd that when the Red Sox (pre-2004)and Cubs made the playoffs, all you heard about wastitle droughts, but nobody gives a rat's ass that theWhite Sox are 87 years removed from their last title?Why is that?4. What song corresponds with each playoff team? (Ithelps to smoke weed when thinking about thisquestion).
Nate: I'm down with you calling me N-Dug. It has a nice southern feel to it, as if one of my buddies said it about a day at work. “So I got to the site ‘n dug me a nice hole with the boss.”
The Padres won't win. Peavy is not enough. He's one guy and the Cardinals can hit. I'm sticking with my four game prediction and my prediction that you are wrong. So there, put that in your pipe and pass it to your hippie friends.
It's funny how people never bring up salaries when they talk about most valuable player. I think they should start. I wanta hear statements like, “well, at three million dollars, Bob is averaging one home run per $80,000 this year. That, my friend, is value?” I mean, we're already used to thinking about the game as a business, why not take it to the next level?
1. What potential World Series MVP would piss you off the most?
If, for some reasons, the duo of Bagwell and Biggio manage to defeat the Cardinals and then win the World Series and then get the whole Co-MVP, we're the killer Bs, we've been together forever, usual love line crap from the media, well, let's just say it will be a very bad October at the DeGraaf house, er, apartment.
2. If you could invent an award for baseball, what would it be?
Most Clutch Pitchers and Position Players. For pitchers, either the best closer or best stopper wins this award. For everyday players, it's the guy with the combination of most game winning hits and most game saving plays. So simple. And it would let us know who'd be best for a post season roster.
3. Do you find it odd that when the Red Sox (pre-2004) and Cubs made the playoffs, all you heard about was title droughts, but nobody gives a rat's ass that the White Sox are 87 years removed from their last title? Why is that?
I have a theory on this. Bear with me. It's kind of long. After 1919, the White Sox became the pariah of Baseball. Much like that Uncle who stole twenty grand from the family, the pale sox were forgiven, but never quite trusted again. And so, much like whenever old Uncle Stole from the Fam runs another streak of bad luck, and the family just chalks it up to Karma and doesn't even offer sympathy, so go the White Sox. No one really cares about them. They are forgotten like an acquaintance who went to jail. And I think this is best embodied by their true fans, most of whom are shifty eyed, lurking-in-the-shadows, I would rat out your mother kind of people. And no one wants anything to do with that. So, if the White Sox do win the series, prepare for a lot of hype about the drought (actually, I predict it will be mentioned roughly ten thousand times in the Sox Sox series). But don't expect that kind of fake passion that the reporters had for Boston and Chicago fans. Don't expect the lines like, “And these fans have been waiting for eighty something years,” because no one cares about White Sox fans, and White Sox fans don't seem to care about anyone.
And yes, I realize I'm generalizing. But that's the only reason I can think of for the lack of interest in the plight of the Southside fans.
4. What song corresponds with each playoff team? (It helps to smoke weed when thinking about this question).
You're not gonna get me to smoke weed again, J-Reb. No way.
This team is in the American League. And in Anaheim (California's Orlando, and I hate Orlando) so I really don't know them well enough but I hear Vlad's carrying the team, so I'll go with that “No Man is an Island” song.
Chicago White Sox
“Three Sheets to the Wind” by Kid Rock. Don't you just feel like they need a little snazzy introduction for this post season? Something to pump them up and remind the world that South Chicago has a team. Who better than Kid Rock? I could just see Paul Konerko running around the field screaming, “My name is Paul” while Manny laughs his ass off from the visitor's dugout. Wow, that's some good herb.
New York Yankees
This one was kind of a tough call, but I like Springsteen's “Glory Days.” You know, for Bernie and Posada and Sheffield and Johnson and all the other old men on that team. I can just picture them all retiring, and then refusing to leave the house unless they knew they'd get to talk to an old baseball buddy at some kind of bar.
Boston Red Sox
Sublime's “What Happened?” You know that song where Sublime basically describes what it's like to consistently black out? That's the Sox in the past month. It's almost like they forgot they were in a pennant race with the most intangibly capable team in the history of baseball.
San Diego Padres
“If I had a Million Dollars” by the Barenaked Ladies. This one just fits. These guys are just screaming out at to be beaten. It's like you could replace “Million Dollars” with “National League Pennant” and then “I'd be rich” to “I'd be shocked.” Yeah, these guys are going down.
St. Louis Cardinals
“We are the Champions” by Queen. Enough said.
“Devil went down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels. Just because it's very clear that Bobby Cox made a deal with the Devil whereby Bobby got one World Series win, and the Devil got to tease him with the possibility of another until the Devil finally comes and takes his soul. Anyway, this one might remind Bobby that there's no demons in baseball. Man, that's some quality tree.
“Ordinary Average Guy” by Joe Walsh. Watch these guys literally fall apart from exhaustion and old age. I predict at least three season ending injuries for these guys. Oswalt and Clemons are gonna look desperately mortal.
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