Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't be the life of the party. Be the party animal you've always wanted to be at the exclusive party six feet under: your coffin.

At Don Johnson's FUNerals And Coffin Supply, our coffins are three times the size of normal coffins and three times the fun, too.

After you pass away, when we bury you, we will first put three prostitutes in the coffin with you to satisfy your every sexual need and desire. And we'll include for free* (*not free, included with the package price, I hope you don't read stuff that's in parentheses, such as this right now) a lifetime's supply of champagne. It's funner being dead when you're trashed out of your mind. Because, let's be honest here, being dead is borrrrring! What's there to do, really? You stare at the same inch of wood above you 24/7. But with our trademark luxury-size coffins, you'll be free to move around, bang prostitues, watch TV, and whatever else you fancy, my dead friend!

Gettin' hungry down there, buddy? Don't worry. We've installed a Kenmore fridge and a pantry inside the coffin. The fridge comes stocked with some milk, lettuce, and ketchup. The pantry has so many oyster crackers in it you won't know what to do with yourself.

Gettin' bored down there? How does a TV and VCR sound? Boom, done!

Gettin' lonely down there? Don't you remember? I said we're giving you 3 prostitutes, stupid! (Condoms not included.)

What more could you want? I'll answer that question for you: nothing.

You'll never want to be buried without skank-ass prostitutes again.

So make yourself at home. After all, our ultra-size coffin series is like an underground home. Except there's no electricity. But there is a toilet! (Toilet paper not included.)


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