Who cares about Walker, Texas Ranger? Who cares about the Bowflex home gym or whatever? Who cares about his beard or his ability to do a roundhouse kick?

Can Chuck Norris kill a man with a toothpick, a set of pliers and a Sharpie?
Hell no he can’t!
When an American pilot is shot down in the Middle East or scientists are trapped in an underground research lab, do the experts call on Chuck Norris?
Hell no they don’t!
Can Chuck Norris knit his own bulletproof vest while he’s running away from criminals?
Hell no he can’t!

That’s why, reader, I’ve decided to be the first to give you the new wave of Internet Hero…


Here's the list as is…
-MacGyver never asks women if they will consent to a kiss, he just convinces them with a impromptu Powerpoint presentation made with a flashlight, a box of DOTS, and a minature spiral notebook.
-MacGyver walks his herd of bulldogs with a shoe horn and a Palm pilot's stylus.
-MacGyver doesn’t trust black people, but he never, ever, ever uses the N word.
-MacGyver orders oatmeal and water for breakfast, then forms a semi-conductive paste that allows him to kill a Chinese diplomats.
-MacGyver doesn’t smoke cigarettes; but, MacGyver carries a pack just in case he might need the filter to kill a Communist or clot the blood from a bulletwound.
-MacGyver doesn’t drink; but, MacGyver carries a flask of peach schnapps… just in case he might need to get a bitch drunk.
-MacGyver can satisfy his wife with a paperbag, two gerbils and a magnifying glass.
-MacGyver says “Hello” to bums and gives them all of his change.
-MacGyver doesn't need money to kill your ass.
-MacGyver can play Styx's classic song “Mr. Roboto” with a crazy straw and two sleeping German shepards.
-MacGyver killed Jesus with a hoop earring, a ball of lint and Crest dental floss.
-MacGyver's phone is made out of a Crown Royal bottle and toenail clippers.
-MacGyver smokes weed but he never needs a lighter…he has two Q-tips and a piece of sandpaper.
-Each of MacGyver's sperm cells carries a useless household object.
-MacGyver's wife's vagina looks like my kitchen drawers.
-MacGyver can start his car with a 2-by-4 and a stray cat.
-MacGyver's favorite weapon: the spork.
-MacGyver’s mullet is impervious to the charming kisses of evil women, bullets and roundhouse kicks.
-MacGyver doesn't wipe his ass like you or me. I won't tell you how. Just think: cotton ball and a slingshot.
-MacGyver saves his toenail clippings and uses them as poisonous darts fashioned to the tip of a ball point pen. He launches them with a slingshot he’s created out of a broken elastic band and three golf tees.
-MacGyver showed NASA how to save Apollo 13 using a dictionary, 2 used condoms, a piece of lint, and the ANY key off a computer.

-MacGyver fucked your mother and sired you, but used a box of orange jello, tinfoil, and a permanent marker to create a fake DNA test to frame your “real dad.”
The Dude
-MacGyver once defeated a gang of drug-smuggling poachers using a cheese wheel, four bottlecaps, and a container of Vick's VapoRub. To this day, no one knows how, and you can bet your sweet ass MacGyver ain't tellin'.
-If you catch MacGyver crying, you should be worried. He's using those tears to make something lethal.
-When surrounded by Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, MacGyver used them to kick their own ass.
-MacGyver came first.
-MacGyver spawned himself using only a rib, oily rags, and spite.
-MacGyver's shoelaces tie themselves.
-What came first…the chicken or the egg ? Neither. MacGyver made them at the same time using a light bulb, 53 cents, a Coke can.
-Jefferson Starship didn't build this city on rock and roll. MacGuyver built it from an issue of Playboy, a Chinese Yoyo, and 4 marshmallows.
-MacGyver constructed the statues of Easter Island from 2 newspapers and 5 cans of Jolt. This was, of course, after he fasioned a time machine out of a karaoke machine and and a steam iron.
-MacGuyver has a PhD in humanities. This was given to him after he reconstructed the Lost City of Atlantis out of a lottery ticket, a tire, and 6 Lebonese hookers.

Welp, that's all for now…
Keep adding on, if you'd like.

I know I will.