The following is an email received from my sophomore year dorm (what the hell was I thinking, I know) with added jabby-style insults added in RED.

Dear Michael,

Thank you for you interest in Dobie Center.

Um, Interest? What interest are you refering too? Oh right, you must mean the enormous financing cost that will be piled on top of my other student loans.

We are following up on your inquiry for student housing this upcoming August.

HAHAHAHA, nice try, but you can't fool me twice. P.S. if you're going to lie, make sure it's about something I know I didn't do… like inquire about living in a dorm I hated.

Our luxury student housing community offers the finest amenities and incredible location near campus.

Luxury? Really? I seem to remember lots of grays in the decor. I will concede that the location was situated rather conveniently in the darkest pits of fiery hell. And on a side note. You should repair your finest amenities before someone else catches God-this-place-sucks Fever. It's a real health risk that the real estate community is facing today.

We hope our top-of-the-line fitness center and full-service dining fits your needs.

Funny, It would have been better if your fitness center was full service and your dining top-of-the-line (especially since neither was either). I'm not saying they were bad. But let's cut out the middle men and make your food run on the treadmill. I'll be in my luxurious room, paradoxically fat on food I hate.

Additionally, we offer a student-oriented mall for all of your shopping and entertainment needs.

Apparently “student-oriented” also means “hobo-oriented.” But you're right, it was quite entertaining walking by the army recruitment store… really get into the action like never before. 4-D! Also things like clothes and “stuff you'd actually buy” are more like shopping wants rather than needs, so you're spot on there.

Feel free to stop by for a tour or call us and thank you for your interest.

Yeah, we should you know hang sometime. I'll bring the rope.

Todd Engstrom
General Manager 4 Life

p.s. For your convience visit [their website] for pictures and more information on our community situated across the street from campus. Here's some examples of what Dobie Center has to offer:
-private and shared accomidations-indevidual lease (we keep the accomidation prices low by misspelling them)
-fully furnished accomidations-weekly housekeeping (Fully furnished with no lighting in the living room, – weekly awkward slaves who don't want to be there as much as you don't want them to)
-15 feet from campus (15 feet from Suck… and Suck is trying to increase the gap)
-and more (much less).