In the beginning, I created the title and saw that it was misleading. On the second day, I wrote the rest of the blog and saw that it needed spell-checking. On the third day, I gave up the scheme of rewriting Genesis for humor content. We all know God already jam-packed the Good Book with stories about everything from humor to great floods and heroes that come back at the end. Not that I'll ever be as riveting as a reading of the Bible, but I'm sure my thoughts will be just as misinterpreted. Besides, it became clear that my life was about to face a flood of its own.
Well, I had envisioned a blog of epic proportions, etched in solid gold anecdotes and encrusted with gems of pure unadulterated humor. Then a hurricane struck the Gulf Coast, demolished my school, flooded my city, and pretty much fucked up my Christmas…in August. I escaped while evacuating friends and family. Now, I write from the road as I tour the country in search of a new life and the means to return to a place that I loved and the people who make it worth returning. (And that's the way we all became the Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch…)
My name is Mike Tuckerson – and these are my exploits, misadventures, shenanigans, and feats – as well as the inspiration and ruminations behind them.
So, how do I feel about the hurricane's toll on my city and the Gulf Coast? It's difficult to list all of the emotions I feel inside. There is something almost just as tragic as the loss of life, crippling of the local and national economy (oil, coastal tourism, etc.), and the loss of people's lifestyles. Frankly, this other tragedy is the pathetic nature of “sensational journalism” and apathy. CNN and Fox News is just as informative about what's going on as it is misleading in the events that transpire. Sometimes I begin to wonder if the publicity of how horrible things are is worth the lack of discussion behind the rationale for some of the less than reputable actions of a panicked, desperate group of people. By this, of course, I'm referring to the depiction of civil unrest in New Orleans in particular. Imagine yourself being trapped inside a city starving, unable to receive word of help, constantly being passed over by helicopter crews attending to other things nearby while you and your family are stranded and dying. I'm not vouching for everyone out there who may be looting or increasingly hostile – I'm just not going to allow everyone who actually has to face this crisis to be berated and categorized as a people “deserving” of such a disaster. Fuck being “tasteful” in your remarks. How about striving to be “humane” and accurate?
Journalism isn't the only arena where quality has deteriorated by this hurricane. Hell, even humor has taken a hit. Look at Rebello's column. C'mon, guys – Making a humor story about the biggest natural disaster in American History is much like making fun of Rebello's sex-life. It's easy, gets old fast, and only makes you feel pity when it's over…and he is a “journalism” major?
Well, it's kind of nice to see someone reaching past the limitations of being mentally handicapped. Maybe Rebello is a product of the same version of the South he depicts in his writings. No matter what people say, they'll never know the truth behind his smug, shit-eating grin – the fact that he manages not to smudge his face while literally doing it. His worldliness in all matters seems partially limited by the fact that his upper torso remains stuck up his ass. He condemns the South for loving Bush and bashes northern liberals all in the same article. Score one for fence-riding, crotch-chafing assholes. Apparently, they now have a champion. Newsflash: you're not in the middle because you're a moderate – you're in the middle because that's just where assholes are found. Though I lack a school now to confer my own journalism degree, I'm sure I could always get Rebello to direct me to the cereal box he's getting his from.
Ladies and gentleman, I'd love to tear Justin a new one, but I've a life to rebuild. Besides, he was fairly ignorant of the severity of things. Hell, I'm almost surprised that he wrote a revision. He's still an asshole though – he's just a heartshaped-asshole. Anyway, I thank you for reading and hope that you find something worth your time in my future entries. Consider this blog a way to look at the humor of a life far less ordinary from wherever the road may lead me. Comments are welcome. Assholes are welcome to lube themselves in advance. I don't play nicely with some kids.