Me: So what do you think of the Investor's Coroner? Is it working for you?
Kev: I love it. Some of the kids might not get it but I think it's great. I even emailed it to my Dad. He was a financial advisor for a long time.
Me: Did he like it?
Kev: Yeah, he did. Although he did say that he's never read any investment writing that used the word fuck before.
Me: That's what separates me from the pack.
Kev: It ain't just that, brother.

Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously doing my damndest to sprinkle in a joke or two like those cooks that put those pubic hairs on Fabio's pasta?those dudes kick ass.

It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn why the federal reserve hates you and wants you to die penniless in a bank owned house surrounded by imported goods.

The Economy is Healing and How you Feeling?
Gas, oil, corn, soybeans, copper and wheat are all at, near or hanging around thirty year highs, the Philly Manufacturing Index is at a seven year low, retail stores are suffering, food and gas prices are through the roof, but we're not in a recession. In fact, things are looking up.

Why, just last week Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that he would only make 25 billion dollars worth of T-bills available to brokerage firms that failed at their job of obtaining and retaining money because said firms only took 34 of the available 50 billion last week. On a related note, I have $500 in my checking account.

And anyway, here at the Coroner we like to stress that markets are global. And well, thanks to their international plays, Google, Intel and IBM all beat analyst estimates this quarter based mainly on their success in developing nations in Latin America, China and India, where a new middle class is emerging. Now, over here we're fucked. But that doesn't matter, see? The stock market will continue to kick ass just so long as there are countries like China, which doubled its buy price for Potash (fertilizer) and India, which now has the most people from one country on the list of the 100 richest people. This is why, even though times are tough in the first world, the market will always find stability elsewhere.

So keep investing in oil, base metals, agricultural stocks, oil company stocks etc, but add to them market leaders with large international plays (I do love me some international play). You can also throw a dart at leading Chinese stocks and probably make money. But they're weird over there and harder to understand than our government, which is really saying something.

What you cannot do, however, is invest in potatoes.

You Cannot Invest in Potatoes
Rising wheat, corn and soybean prices have many consumers looking to find nutrition elsewhere. And according to two different newspapers I read this week, potatoes are a perfect substitute. This news made me want to invest in potatoes as a commodity but you see, there is no market for potato futures. Hell, there aren't even any publicly traded companies with more than a fifty percent focus on potato cultivation, development, refinement and what not. So, just to reiterate: you cannot invest in potatoes. You can, however, fry them up and eat them with hamburgers. So that's nice.

Airline Situation is Crazy, Boring
We've been here a million times it seems like. Once again, America's most poorly run (and not coincidentally, most legislated) industry is having problems. Lots of little airlines went out of business, some are trying to merge and Southwest is okay because of when they got their fuel contracts or something (despite the FAA cracking down on every major airline for being unscrupulously unsafe). Reading about airlines makes me want to slit your throat (I ain't slitting mine). Airline employees are a step above most DMV employees, air travel gets less fun and more expensive every year, and the companies see no reason to improve airline travel because they're all just waiting to get bought out by big government. But this shit has been in the news so I figured I'd mention it.

Oh, that reminds me of an old joke that some white comedian once said: “Getting married for the sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.”

That was kind of funny, right?

Google Moons Analysts
Google beat all analysts' predictions and its stock price jumped around twenty percent in a couple of days as a result of its earnings announcement. I mentioned this in a Coroner a while back but it's important so I'm saying it again: I trust Google. They're a great company and consequently a great stock. I think the folks in charge of Google know way more about everything than the folks who predict Google's future do. They're in a great position in all markets and well, I just don't see that changing.

(Thems the breaks, Microsoft and Yahoo.)

Dude, Times really are Tough All Over
Talbot's, a store you've probably heard of, recently had its credit line revoked by Citibank. This is the market equivalent of Visa denying you a credit card. So basically, Talbot's is now the broke college kid of the international marketplace. I wonder if Talbot's has a bong?

Because I wanna Sidebar
This has nothing to do with the market, but I just wanted to put in this picture. You see, I just wanted to point out that the Coroner is the only bit I write for PIC that requires notes. Or forethought for that matter. Anyway, here are this week's notes:

I never said I took good notes.

Anyway, back to the market.

Ameritrade Gains in Crappy Market
Ameritrade said that last month they saw a sharp increase in the number of personal investors that signed up with their company. I believe this is caused by the growing number of people who look at their brokerage firm managed mutual funds and say, “Dude, I could lose ten percent. What the fuck am I paying you for?” But I could be wrong.

College Students Suck
Citigroup announced that in order to shore up a little more cash, in addition to laying off forty-three metric tons of employees, raising loan rates and borrowing from the government, they will no longer be in the business of helping fund student loans. Because fuck college kids. They skip most of their classes anyway. Lousy leaches.

Sears wants your Stimulus, Wants it Bad
Sears, which owns Kmart and is kind of pathetic, has offered to accept your unnecessarily stupid stimulus check from President Chuckles, turn it into a gift card and (get this, get this) they will throw in another ten percent. So, if you spend it at Kmart, your $300 government apology check will be worth $330 and you will have more shitty clothes and shoddy merchandise than any piece of trailer trash could ever need. Awesome times we're living in, huh?

I'm in Murders and Executions
Blockbuster, a once strong retail chain that is failing thanks to the success of the internet, has offered to buy Circuit City, a once strong retail chain that is failing thanks to the success of the internet. And get this: news of the merger actually caused both stocks to fall in price (typically, merger news causes one stock to rise and another to fall?I know this stuff, went to college and everything), which tells me that both these companies are screwed and though misery may love company, the stock market doesn't like this deal.

New Innovations are not a $300 Check
The Swiss Center for Electronics is working on clothes that can analyze your sweat and tell you what nutrients your body is lacking. And you thought hearing shit about your diet from your girl was bad. Wait until your shirt tells you to put the jelly donut down.

Well, they finally did it. They have made a dishwasher safe keyboard. Seal Shield, the maker of said keyboard, says they'll be huge in hospitals and other messy industries. And I just want to add, I'm totally buying one. I eat at my desk and my keyboard looks like a fucking Smurf picnic.

Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
Anything the private sector can do, government can do worse.
Aaaaaaa?Governor Dixie Lee Ray


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