Friends of mine, including PIC's own David Nelson and Court Sullivan, have pointed out that they are surprised how many scumbags I hang out with considering my erudite nature.  After looking up the word erudite, misusing it by implying that one can have an erudite nature and snacking on a few Runts (Wonka added mango and pineapple), I got to thinking about my past, present and future and I realized something. 

I got ripped off. 

I was raised to respect the values and wishes of everyone, to have a relatively libertarian, no-harm no-foul kind of mindset.  As a result, I never questioned my friendships with those people who could be deemed felons by this judgmental society that uses all these policy enforcers (my new nickname for cops because for the most part they don't protect or serve anything other than policy) to make sure that conformity remains the letter of the law. 

And as a result of all that open-mindedness, I ended up a kind of permanent teenager, putting personal philosophies ahead of societal implications.  And that's just wrong.  You see, society is judgment.  I'm just now learning that.  And to achieve (read: make a boatload of money) in society, you must conform to its whims.  I wish I had a boatload of money but it's probably too late for me.  However, I could always reproduce (this is not a threat). 

And that's why, whenever I have a child, I am going to make sure that he or she is the biggest judgmental conformist this side of your local Gap store.  Sure, he/she will hate me growing up.  But what do I care?  I mean, it's not like I need to care what little kids think anyway. 

When I have a child, in the interest of raising an elitist, I will instill the following values:

Poor People Suck

You know how some parents raise their kids to be racist?  Yeah I know, I was shocked too.  But it's true.  Some parents teach their children that it's okay to hate certain minorities.  Well, I would teach my children to hate poor people in much the same way. 

Like, if my kid decided to fix his bike with duct tape, I'd say, "Quit being a damn poor person.  You want to act impoverished?  You think it's cool acting like all those poor people?  Do you wanna be poor, you little shit?  ‘Cause I can drop you off in the projects tomorrow.  Quit crying.  Only poor people cry.  I swear to Christ you act just like someone with a degree in Sociology.  You quit being a poor crybaby this instant."

With enough years of reinforcement, my child would more than likely be scared witless at the idea of making less than six figures.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is mother-grabbing parenting. 

Hard Work is for Chumps

My parents used to regale me with stories about all the hard work it took for my forefathers to carve up the great plains into a serviceable chunk of farmland.  My family takes great pride in its hard-working heritage despite the fact that not one of my relatives has ever influenced an election or stolen land from a Native American.  I mean, what is there to be proud of about hard work?  It's like, "Congratulations, you earned every little thing you have.  Barely an ounce of luck involved.  Nice job, Chump."

Well, none of that for my kids.  I'm going to make sure that my children understand that they should cheat and steal as much as possible.  And when not cheating or stealing, they should definitely be seeing results from the work of others (Hi, Court).  In this way, my children should grow up to understand that it's not only what you know and who you know, but also what you know about who you know. 

When they reach their teens, then we'll start talking about the best ways to bribe elected officials and cops.  But until then, they'll just have to learn to lie, cheat and steal.  And if you don't think those are valuable American traits, well then explain our government.  Hell, they stole 300 billion of your dollars to bail out their banking buddies and you didn't even flinch.  If that's the way the game is to be played, I want my children on the winning side, the stealing side. 

Always Side with the Winners

"Back both sides in any conflict," I will tell my children.  "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as the team you're on wins.  That's why I pay so much to keep you out of public school." 

Public School is for Stupid People

Public schools are influenced by the rulers.  You think the rulers will teach you any secrets about how to join their ranks free of charge?  Heck, you might as well ask for your tax dollars back if you're that stupid.  That's why my children will go to the most expensive and elitist private schools in the world.  I want them to be educated to rule those who are educated to be ruled. 

Speaking of rulers…

Do Not Question Authority

When I was fourteen, my mother bought me a T-shirt that had the words, "Question Authority" written on it.  I took this statement too literally and constantly got in trouble as a result.  Thus, before I was old enough to operate a motor vehicle, I was already marked by local police as a troublemaker.  I don't want my kids to be labeled troublemakers.  I want my kids to be labeled, "Get out of Jail Free." 

When I have children, I am going to teach them to do everything their authority figures tell them to, to listen intently and respect all authority figures and to just generally consider themselves a cog in the machine that is this great society.

With any luck, I will teach my children to thumb their noses at the poor, to follow blindly the rules of our land, to avoid hard work and to always side with the rich and the winners.  In this way, my children will grow up with the mindset that they should be part of the ruling class.  Because, as we all know, the ruling class is made up of a bunch of elitist blowhards who think their shit doesn't stink.  And if you want to get into that club, you have to be willing to get someone to club a few baby seals for you. 

Or not.  I guess it all depends on where the politicians stand on seal clubbing at the time. 

My children will learn that success in life has nothing to do with right or wrong, that morals are for the weak and that it is their duty to compile as much cash as possible.  Because I want the best for them, because I want them to know prosperity and because, well, fuck this country and the people who run it.  You assholes deserve my kids.