Okay, so I’m a little late with this year’s hurricane name gimmick. For those of you who don’t read me every year, I usually do a little piece whereby I list the overtly stupid names that The National Oceanic Institute Of Something Having To Do With Political Correctness uses to name the bodacious storms that rock our hurricane heady lives every year down here in this very-far-south-of-most-of-you area in which I live. And well, basically what I do is, I look at the hurricane name and then I type how the hurricane will behave based on nothing more than what I think of the hurricane’s chosen name. It’s an annual thing, like Brett Favre’s retirement.
This named storm already happened (told you I was running late) and decided to flood Mexico which, well you know, occasionally floods. So apparently, Arthur’s just another Anglo messing with a developing country. Way to be a stereotype, Art, you bigot of a storm.
Come the hell on. Seriously. Someone approved this suggestion? Oh well. Bertha’s a fat chick’s name or an old chick’s name so I’m saying this hurricane will either be huge and slow or small and slower. It probably likes buffets and fatty foods so I see it taking out a cruise ship and maybe a small island off the coast of another small island I never heard of.
This name means Christopher in Spanish. I have never met a Christopher in Spanish before. Also, this is the name of many cities on many islands whose inhabitants were first enslaved by Christopher Columbus. Call me crazy, but I see this storm whacking Cuba back to 1920 and forcing Fidel’s brother to allow US aid in his country.
I don’t know about you but I think “Cuban cigars for all thanks to Cristobal!” would look great on a T-shirt.
I knew an old lady named Dolly when I was a kid in St. Louis. She was always baking and never had anyone to feed. I think this hurricane will spend all of its “named storm time” over the ocean, hurting no one and wondering why none of its relatives call.
This is the French spelling of Edward. I don’t know if it’s possible, but this hurricane might just surrender to the Gulf of Mexico.
Another old-person name. The hurricane namers, in case you haven’t noticed, like to mix up the name origins. Anyway, Fay is destined to go to Miami, wear too much makeup, complain about the heat and get her purse snatched by an aspiring porn star. Hey, it happens.
This is a Swedish hurricane name. Sure, why not?
I can’t think of anything funny about the Swedes. This hurricane will probably surprise all of us.
My coworker has a dog named Hanna and lives on a road named Hanna so I am predicting that this hurricane hits her house.
This hurricane will not rest until it has killed all the communists and beaten the crap out of Tina Turner.
The only girl I ever knew named Josephine got arrested for possession of controlled substances back in high school and then tried to rat out a buddy of mine. It didn’t work. That buddy of mine lives in Chicago, so I’m going out on a limb and saying that Josephine just might hit the North Side.
Yeah, I ain’t no meteorologist.
Now that’s a great hurricane name. One of my favorite bartenders was named Kyle. He got fired for selling beer to an underage (and very hot female) cop. Therefore, I predict that this hurricane will hit the Florida Keys and mess up everybody’s summer drinking plans.
One of my favorite bartenders is named Laura. I can’t help but think that this hurricane may hit Tampa and spill some beer on me. Wouldn’t be the first hurricane or the first chick named Laura to do that.
Marco is Italian in origin. So look for this sucker to hit Naples and be a little more boisterous about it than the rest of the storms this season.
Okay, is this even a name? Nana? That’s just a nickname for grandma. Give me a break you lazy oceanic namer dudes. Jeez.
This hurricane will move to Florida and stay there until it dies because it doesn’t want to be a bother.
Yeah, that’s a good call. Muslim hurricane names while we’re at war with every brown person in the desert. Good thinking.
I don’t know what this hurricane’s gonna do, but if it hits an American city it will be celebrated in Baghdad like a woman who won’t show her arms.
This is a Spanish word meaning dove. The dove is the biblical symbol for peace. So this hurricane will be a total wuss and will never hit land.
Say what you will about girls named Rene, but I find that most of them put out like crazy. This hurricane’s gonna screw some people in Texas hard. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
You know, I never met anyone named Sally except my ninth grade history teacher who was tough but fair. Which means that if any hurricane is gonna hit Orlando, this’ll be the one.
Yeah, I hate Orlando and think it deserves a good hurricane.
I went to college with a guy named Teddy. He always forgot where his classes were and sometimes even what classes he was taking and as a result would sometimes accidentally sit through the wrong class. Look for this hurricane to get lost and eventually flunk out of junior college.
I knew a Vicky in grade school. She liked watermelon gum. Sadly, this will never be a storm because the season won’t be that bad (source: you’re kidding right?).
Do you know any Wilfreds besides Wilfred Brimley? I don’t either. And since nice chubby actors only lend their name to crappy insurance policies and oat meal, I doubt this storm will ever happen. And I know Wilfred wouldn’t want it to.
Unless it could make him money.
As always, all of the predictions here on The Nate Way are as useless and uninformed as possible. Happy Hurricane Season, Party People!