Kid in an orange baseball uniform

I know it's no longer the cool thing to do, but I fucking love baseball. If you accept the premise that sports are nothing but a sweet distraction from all the daily bullshit of life, then what sport kills more time than baseball? They play every damn night. And who doesn't get the feeling that with a little more hand-eye coordination, some luck, and a healthy tolerance for spit tobacco, they too could be out there playing. Look at John Kruk. That fat fuck probably hasn't seen his dick since 1990, was a .300 career hitter, and now gets paid to make asinine observations like "Derek Jeter plays hard."

Anyway, another great thing about baseball is that it allows for fantasy baseball. And fantasy anything is fucking awesome. I'm in a fantasy death pool for god sakes! Frances Bean Cobain was my sleeper pick this year. Regardless of your level of knowledge, you can start a league up right now and play. As you can tell I'm FUCKIN JACKED for this. I love fantasy baseball so much that I will literally lay out how to do it….

Step 1: Starting Your League

This will be the most time consuming part of playing. If you need Adderall to get through setting up, take it. First, figure out who you want in your league—I suggest keeping it small to start out with. Find 5-7 friends you like and want to have at least weekly contact with. It can serve as a great way to stay in touch with college buddies during the summer. If they're funny that helps too. If you can, put a girl in the league to mix things up. I understand they're being taught to read these days. Next, you're going to need to figure what style you want. I suggest head-to-head. It allows for more weekly shit talking, and if you're good (if you follow my advice you will be), you get to send that Monday morning ”VICTORY MOTHERFUCKER” e-mail. Finally, figure out what stats you want. No need to get geeky here. Just stick with the basics.

Step 2: Naming Your Team 

There's a lot of ways to go with your name. A compound swear word is always good. Dick jokes work well. Anything defaming Alex Rodriguez, or your friends' girlfriends or sisters are great. Bring the funny. The best one in my league this year is ”The Lincecumshots,', named after Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum.  

Step 3: Pre-Draft Camaraderie

I'm bringing together different groups of friends for my league. To make everyone feel comfortable I did what seemed logical—I made a Facebook group for my fantasy league. Then to break everyone in sufficiently I took the worst picture I could find of everyone, put a caption on it, and posted that shit. It was a big hit, and because I picked the right people for my league, nobody got offended. Not even when I put a ”Cum Here Lincecum” caption on a picture of my friend Amy's cleavage. Although I did ask first on that one. Another great idea, league events. Baseball games are fairly cheap to go to. At least until you factor in eight over-priced beers and the $15 foam finger you will drunkenly buy.

Step 4: Draft Prep

Repeat after me: I.Will.Not.Buy.A.Fucking.Overpriced.Magazine. Look, I rag on ESPN from time to time but everything you need to know is on their .com. Their draft guys are the best and most insightful in the business. They have sortable stats. They have mock drafts. Their fantasy section almost makes up for putting illiterate former players on TV. You'll probably want to have a cheat sheet of who you want on your team. Be realistic. Unlike fantasy football or fantasy Nic Cage movies, there is good depth in fantasy baseball.

Step 5: The Motherfucking Draft

This is it. You cannot fuck up the draft. Yes, you can help your team during the season with a trade-rape or a sneaky waiver pick-up, but if you bomb the draft, you're fucked. Start getting your body ready when you wake up that morning. My draft is 9:15PM on a Sunday. Everything I eat that day will be building toward a solid shit at 7:15. Gotta get the system cleared out. If you need caffeine/nicotine/cocaine, have it ready to go. You should know where you're picking beforehand. I'm picking 3rd in my draft. I know who I'm going to take already: Nationals Third Baseman Ryan ”You're With Me Leather” Zimmerman.

This leads me to my next point: Pick players you're going to want to root for. I fucking hate Alex Rodriguez. He could available in the 20th round and I wouldn't draft him. Pick a lot of guys from your favorite team, when appropriate. You'll get to watch those guys play everyday. The Nationals sucked last year. I had 5 of them on a 25 man team and still finished 2nd.

Next order of draft business: SHIT TALKING. You'll want to have a few jokes ready. Did your buddy once drunkenly expose himself to a room full of people at noon during exam week? Bring up that story. Is one of your leaguemates a Redskins fan? Time for a crossover joke! Did the girl in your league just draft Manny Ramirez? Time for a fertility drug joke.

Also, NEVER ADMIT YOU WANTED ANOTHER GUY'S PICK. It's the ultimate sign of weakness. Instead, start a steroid rumor immediately. Make up a fake injury. If someone starts putting together a particularly powerful team, post porn clips on their Facebook wall to distract them—it'll take them a solid hour figuring out how to even find their wall with the new system. Also, tout any player you take in the last ten rounds as a ”sleeper,” even if you don't know who the fuck they are.

Step 6: The Post Draft

Declare yourself champion. Talk up any players you may be having second thoughts about. If you know one of your friends is drunk, try to swing a completely unfair trade—it's not your problem, they should've put a breathalyzer on their computer. At worst you should be checking your lineups before the games begin on a daily basis. If you want to win, you're reading everything you can. Know which minor leaguers are about to be called up; you can pick their sweet potential asses up and trade them quickly for proven talent. If you receive a trade offer, don't just turn it down, send a rebuttal you like. Try to fuck them for trying to fuck you. Most important of all, don't give up… at least until July when fantasy football begins.