Hello, nice to meet you.

Oh — these are my balls, Vincent and Rosalinda.

No, no, that one's Vincent. Don't shake someone's hand if you don't know their name!

Let me tell you all about my balls.

The left one, Vincent, was raised by rich parents in a posh Beverly Hills neighborhood. His dad died when Vincent was a young boy, leaving all of his money to Vincent. Vincent, feeling alone, and without a proper authority figure in his life, started doing drugs. It started with a little bit of heroin via needle here and there at parties. But then he moved on to harder drugs, like marijuana and tobacco. He was found running naked through the streets, offering to lick people's elbows for a drag off a Parliament Light. At this point, there was no money left in his bank account. He had blown all of his father's fortune on kilos of marijuana and an assortment of other drugs.

To make ends meet, Vincent started stealing pacifiers from babies and selling them for cash. He would steal used diapers from one baby and then sell it to another baby. Eventually, he was arrested in Nantucket for trying to sell meth to puppies.

Rosalinda, on the other hand, was born to poor parents, a Mexican woman and an alcoholic man from Texas. She struggled with identity problems because of her mixed race, and always felt like she had to prove herself. This drove her and motivated her. She wanted to be the first in her family to graduate from college, and in 1995, on a warm, breezy, early summer day, that dream came true. She graduated from Harvard with a law degree. She went back and got her PhD, and became a well-paid doctor at a prestigious East Coast hospital. One time she saved the life of a baby who survived an abortion. That baby is now president of the United States.

One rainy night, she was walking home in a bad part of town and was raped by a stranger. She ended up liking it so much she divorced her husband and married the rapist. He was still prosecuted because of the rape, and was sentenced to 5 years in a maximum security prison. They could only see each other through 3 and a half inches of bulletproof glass. Her husband passed the time by raping and stabbing people.

One day at work, Rosalinda was caught drinking from a patient's bedpan and her medical license was revoked. She now walks the streets, offering surgeries and medical advice for money.

Well, I feel as though you've gotten to know my balls pretty well now.

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