Utah Jazz basketball shorts

No matter what building I'm in, whenever I get on an elevator, the higher the number someone presses, the more status I attribute to that person. Same with direction. Whenever someone says "going up," I think they're going somewhere important. When someone says "going down," I think they've just been fired from their job.

Why do some ATM's still charge "convenience fees"? I understand, I'm using another bank's ATM, or a stand-alone machine at a bar, but the average consumer doesn't understand the word "convenience" in this situation. Charging money for money is a bitch fee. If you really wanna be accurate about it, call it what it is: "3% interest." As in, this ATM could give almost 0% of a shit whether you use it, but assumes you have at least a 97% interest in buying more beer.

Here are some words and phrases you'll never hear in conversations about sex:

  • accidental blowjob
  • unprecedented masturbation
  • then she went soft
  • watery make-out
  • cunnilingus
  • favorite balls
  • lone-sexual
  • not enough literal cushion for the pushin'
  • masturbatory
  • excited by her disinterest
  • couldn't find the holes
  • too girthy

I hate the word "next." It's completely ambiguous. Do you mean next week, as in the one after this one? Turn at the next light, as in the one coming up? Even worse, when people say something like, "Turn at the next light after this." Did you mean, "Turn at the 2nd light"? Or "GET A FUCKING GPS"? Clarity, people, it's not just for diamonds and psychics anymore.

Guys, have you noticed how hard it is to find a cool pair of shorts? I have a favorite pair that I wear all the time, and today a hip 20's black guy on an elevator said, "I like your shorts, man." Can you believe that?! Everyone knows random straight black people fashion trumps all else. Now I have to wear these fucking shorts ALL summer! And to top it off, he was going up to the top floor!


And now a quick joke...

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.