I never thought I'd see a 62-yard field goal and a pine-tar-doctored-baseball on the same day in my life. Actually, that's not right. It never really occurred to me to think about that happening on the same day. So, not only did I not think I'd see what I saw, I never expected to not think it could happen. I hope you were able to follow that. It made sense in my brain.

Sometimes, when I'm making decisions, I realize that as regards a lot of stuff in my life, I don't have a shit clue what Jesus would do.

Quick, who's the luckier imbecile: G. W. Bush or K-Fed? (If you can answer this in less than three minutes, you are smarter than me. That's hardly a First Pig Prize or anything, but it's better than nothing.)

In the above paragraph, you witnessed the first time I ever typed “First Pig Prize”, which is a phrase I've never heard nor read. Weird. I mean, it sounds like it should be an old school, farmer expression.

I just Googled the phrase, “First Pig Prize.” If it's an expression, the internet hasn't heard of it. That kind of hurts.

When you get right down to it, there's just no easy way to tell girls that you won't fuck them because you think they're stupid. I think that's why there are so many stupid kids out there. And I know it's why I fuck so many stupid girls.

Shows I've never seen that friends can't believe I've never seen:

“Lost”
“24”
“American Idol”.

Shows I watch with regularity that friends can't believe I watch:

“My Name is Earl”
“The Tick”
“Boondocks”.

One of my favorite things about college is listening to a bunch of academic dudes argue over the minutest details of an obscure fact, waiting for the inevitable contemplation-inspired conversation lull and then saying to everyone involved, “Hey, has anyone here ever fucked a monkey?”

I'm all about good, clean fun.

And finally, because logic and fluidity aren't even awake yet, I leave you with the following, which I accidentally said while drunk:

“Jesus saves but he'd totally get a better return from mutual funds.”

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