There are “duh” moments, and then there are complete revelations that transcend duh. The following is a transcendental revelation.

My friend was telling me about some activity she did (now irrelevant) in Austria with a group of locals. Apparently the story was going to be funny because of the language barrier, so I jumped to the conclusionary effect of, “hahah…and then you realized you don't speak Austrian!”

“Well, that's not what I was gonna say, but there's no such thing as Austrian, they speak German in Austria. Jesus, aren't you a history major?” she said.

Then I let it rip: “Oh shit…really? That's so weird, speaking another country's language in your own country…. Like, what if everyone spoke Mexican in America, would we actually call our national language Mexican?”

Everyone erupted in laughter and I had no idea what was going on. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I deserved to be on verbal probation for the rest of the night.

Eventually, things died down and they sat me down like a kindergartner and explained that our national language is English, which, despite the Redcoats best attempts over 200 years ago, happens to be a foreign country.

Then it hit me: “D00000D!!! WE TOTALLY SPEAK ANOTHER COUNTRY'S LANGUAGE!!!”


Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through five learning modules.