A few months ago a friend of mine and I had too much to drink in a few too many bars. We laughed, we ate a jalapeno pizza like only two men whose stomachs are lined with iron and the dreams of unicorns are able and we left.

Now, my friend was smashed out of his gourd. I tried to tell him that he probably shouldn't drive and so he did the typical thing that drunken people do in this situation and told me that I was ugly and stupid and wished I had hair like his. He gets like this. I think we all do. Especially those of us with nice hair.

A few months ago was really cold in the river city so we had this conversation in my friend's car. And because this world is increasingly a police state, we were pulled over by the local police.

Keep in mind, my buddy's car was not actually going anywhere. We hadn't yet decided if we were going to utilize his vehicle, but nevertheless we got the two-cops-plus-sirens-and-lights-treatment, which is never pleasant and can cut through an alcohol buzz like a jalapeno pizza through a lesser man's stomach.

After we were removed from the car and searched aggressively, I asked the shorter and balder of the two police officers why exactly two gentlemen who had not yet started a car were being pulled over in said car and the officer, being a typical protector of the fine people of the United States of America said:

"You'll shut the fuck up if you know what's good for you."

He then turned to his partner cop and said, "We taking him in for a DWI or what?"

And his cop friend turned to him and said, "I haven't been able to find the guys' keys."

And I turned to my friend and said, "Did you lose your keys?"

"Shit," he said. "I must have left them in one of the bars."

"Hey officer," I said to the bald guy who'd informed me that talking was a bad idea. "Do you think we can get a ride home?"

"Ha ha ha. Fuck off," said the cop. And he and his partner got in their squad car and drove off to I Could Give Two Shits.

"Brad," I said to my friend because that's his name. "You are one lucky dumbass."

"You're just jealous because I'm stronger than you," he said, as we began the three mile trek back to his house.

In case you were looking for it, this story has no moral.