This past week is among the saddest of my sports fan year. The NBA has started. Honestly, I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't mean ESPN would morph into NBA 2Night and PTI and Around the Horn would engage in 30-minute debates over whether some guy named Rasho Rastonevic would make the Warriors a contender. I honestly don't care.
It's nothing personal with the NBA other than it's a boring, stupid league that gets far too much attention. After the Bulls upset the Heat on Tuesday night, both ATH and PTI devoted a segment to opining whether or not the Bulls could win the NBA title. Bear in mind, they've played exactly one good game…in an 82-game schedule. Meanwhile the Sabres started the year 11-0-1 and Penguins standout Evgeni Malkin has scored in his first six games in the league, which has never been done before and that gets about as much attention as the Daytime Emmys. I fucking hate the national sports media.

OK, on to a sport everyone cares about.

(HOME team in CAPS)

Houston (+13.5) over NY GIANTS
That spread seems WAY too high. And speaking of New York bias, listen, I like Derek Jeter. He plays hard. He loves to win. He's baseball's Tom Brady and he probably should be the AL MVP. But Gold Glover? According to my numbers, he's ninth among AL shortstops in Range Factor and also middle of the road in errors and putouts. So what the fuck? Why even have this award? It's like me winning the Best Actress Oscar for my stirring portrayal of Queen Victoria (I look pretty in a corset).

New Orleans (-1) over TAMPA BAY
You know why I root against Tampa? Well, mostly to spite DeGraaf. But also, because Chucky the doll (whom Bucs coach Jon Gruden looks like) scares the shit out of me. And whenever Tampa does something good, CBS or FOX or whatever thinks it wouldn't be traumatic at all to show random shots of a Chucky doll. Yeah, so everyone would be up in arms if they showed a titty on national TV, but a psycopathic doll who spent three movies trying to slaughter a child, that's all well and good. What a country.

Green Bay (+3) over BUFFALO
Damon Huard. Charlie Batch. Jon Kitna. Rex Grossman. Joey Harrington. You think JP Loseman is pissed he didn't get the memo about this being the year of the bad quarterback?

Dallas (-3) over WASHINGTON
When Drew Bledsoe is looking for another team next year, I think the dialogue will go something like this.

Drew: So who is your backup QB?
GM Person: Some third-stringer from MIT's flag football squad.
Drew: Hmm, that seems risky.
GM Person: Well, we also have on our depth chart a one-armed paraplegic with a lazy eye.
Drew: Cool, release the first guy and you got yourself a quarterback.

Miami (+13.5) over CHICAGO
In the next five weeks, Chicago has the Giants, Jets, Pats, Rams and Vikings. In other words, you think they're going to put their all into THIS game?

Tennesse (+9.5) over JACKSONVILLE
Under normal circumstances, this probably would lose it's spot in my TV rotation with Demolition Man on another channel, but I'm fascinated by the Jags. Are they good or not? I've never seen a team switch from great to awful week-to-week. I need manic depression medicine just to bet on them.

Atlanta (-5.5) over DETROIT
Vick throws a few more touchdowns against a shit defense, everyone in America goes crazy. You know the drill.

BALTIMORE (-3) over Cincy
You know what I did when I saw Chad Johnson's Ocho Cinco jersey? I laughed. A lot. Imagine being the guy who saw that and said “Hey, wait a second. His last name is Johnson, not Ocho Cinco. Get my secretary. We gotta fine that Negro.” Something tells me that guy walked out of ‘Borat'.

ST. LOUIS (-2.5) over Kansas City
Damon Huard currently has a better QB rating than Donovan McNabb, Tom Brady, Carson Palmer, Vick, Hasselbeck, Pennington, Favre. Consider that Exhibit A in why my picks suck.

Minnesota (-5) over SAN FRAN
Watching the Vikings fans' reactions to getting blown out of the tank on Monday night, I almost felt bad. As a Pats fan, it felt like rooting for the Rangers against Mystery, Alaska. And regarding Monday Night Football, if the TV Guide says the game starts at 8, start it at fucking eight. I met with some friends at a bar to watch the Pats game, and sat through 30 minutes of pre-game and a replay of the horrificially sad Make A Wish video of Tedy Bruschi and some terminally ill kid. (If you don't sob uncontrollably after watching that, I don't know what to tell you.). But as wonderful as that video is, I don't want to see it before a football game. I'm a sports fan, the last thing I need is unneccessary perspective. I hate perspective. Anyway, everyone bitches about MLB games running late, but nobody seems to care that ESPN takes its sweet-ass time getting started. My poor dad gets up for work at 5 a.m., so every time the Pats play a night game, he catches maybe the first quarter. How's that for perspective?

Denver (+3) over PITTSBURGH
If I were Ben Roethlisberger, I could get into a thousand motorcycle accidents and none would hurt as bad as hearing “Yeah so we're going to sit you because we think we have a better to chance to win with Chaz Batch.” That's worse than Peter Griffin losing his promotion to that retarded guy with half a pencil stuck in his head.

SAN DIEGO (-12.5) over Cleveland
I thought they fixed it so we didn't have to watch shitty Monday night games anymore? Pfft. Watch ‘Studio 60' instead.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Indianapolis
That is all.