I don't know if you've noticed, and judging by my readership stats, you haven't, but my picks have sucked this year. Normally I would blame this on a weird season, but I think it's just me. For starters, I have two fantasy football teams that are a combined 3-9. My Steelers Super Bowl pick is getting more laughable by the day. I still can't pronounce the Tampa QB and am confusing Frank Gore with the guy who voiced Miss Piggy. We're getting close to a week where I completely spite my picks and just go the opposite way of my instincts. We're not there yet, but one more 3-10-1 disaster and we might be.
As if that's not bad enough I'm having trouble with the E key on my computer. It keeps getting stuck. That's a rough key to have a problem with.
Anyway, you might be better off getting your picks from DeGraaf if you're not already.
(As usual, HOME team in CAPS)
KANSAS CITY (+5) over San Diego
Three reasons I don't trust the Chargers: 1. Schottenheimer 2. Platooning at running back when you have LDT (which is like going out with Rachel Bilson and saying you only want sex once a month and the rest of the time you'll just jerk off in the basement) and 3. Schottenheimer.
MIAMI (-4.5) over Green Bay
Big Joe Harrington's triumphant debut on my fantasy team. That's right, I'm starting Joe Harrington…in a league where you have to start two QBs a week (my other is Tony Romo). I told you my teams are bad.
JETS (-3.5) over Detroit
What do you prefer? Kitna, Pennington and Washington or Stallone, Snipes and Bullock? By the way, the Lions have failed my “Demolition Man” test four times this year. They might as well pack up and move to San Angeles.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) over ATLANTA
When I sit down to write my book “Why I was a raving imbecile with my 2006 NFL picks”, these two teams each get a chapter.
TAMPA (+5) over Philadelphia
My Upset DuJour and the one thing that will keep DeGraaf off the roof after the Cards blow it tonight.
New England (-5) over BUFFALO
HOUSTON (+9.5) over Jacksonville
Spread seems a little high. And since I have nothing else to add, if you're looking for a movie to watch with your lady, I highly recommend “In Her Shoes” a chick flick starring Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette and the guy who used to be on that awful “Good Morning Miami” show. It's definitely a chick flick, make no mistake, but Diaz spends half the movie in a bra and panties and first appears getting boned in the ass in a men's room stall. Basically it's got a little something for everyone, even if Diaz isn't 10% as hot as she was six years ago. Here's what I don't get, everyone makes a fuss about steroids but cute actresses like Diaz and Meg Ryan take Botox and suddenly look like Sarah Jessica Parker after falling asleep in a deep fryer. Shouldn't Congress get involved here? Yet another reason I should run for Senator.
Carolina (+3.5) over CINCY
Here's my impression of every ESPN feature on the Panthers. Are you ready? You lookin'? Ok. Watch.
“Steve Smith is good.”
That's pretty good, huh? Well, I'm very talented.
Denver (-4.5) over CLEVELAND
Here's what I don't get. Defense wins championships. But all you ever hear about are offenses. Take the Bears. That defense is fucking amazing. And yet everything you hear about with them is Rex Grossman and that receiver whose name sounds like Boo Berry (great cereal). And then you have Denver, who has allowed exactly one touchdown all season and all you ever hear when discussing the AFC is Colts Colts Colts. I mean, does the national sports media watch playoff games? Are they aware of this trend?
Arizona (-3) over OAKLAND
Lost in the hoopla over that epic choke on Monday night was the fact that everyone expected Zona to get blown away. The spread favored the Bears by 15 and I don't know anyone who had the Cardinals covering. If they had only lost by one point conventionally (i.e. not blowing a 20-point lead), we'd all be talking about the Bears being a sham and the Cardinals having some fight in them. With all that said, my Christ did they blow it. If they somehow lose to the Raiders this week, I think all the Arizona fans should be put on suicide watch. Both of them.
Minnesota (+6.5) over SEATTLE
I'm getting real sick of hearing what a great fan base the Seahawks have. Oh really? Where were these great fans during the Super Bowl last year? I watched about seven hours of pregame and counted maybe four people in Steve Largent jerseys sipping a damned Starbucks. Fuck Seattle. Fuck em in the ass.
INDY (-9) over Washington
Hey, speaking of things I'm sick of. Let's see, Indy nearly blows a game to one of the worst teams in the league and instead of everyone saying “Hmm maybe the Colts aren't as good as we think.” the media talks about the Colts being “bored”, as though the regular season is all a formality until January, when they can shit the bed all over again. This is like the Teflon Team, they could randomly pull people out of the stands and sodomize them and Mark Schlereth would claim he loves the way the Colts finish.
Giants (+3.5) over DALLAS
Tiki Barber is like that one girl we're all friends with who desperately needs attention all the time. “Ooh everybody's talking about Eli and Shockey, I better threaten to retire.” What a ruse. I bet he cries when he drinks, too.