Deep Voice: “In the year of our lord, 2007, I Nicholas Anthony Gaudio have just found perhaps the most unlikely of constellations. For you see, my colleagues, this constellation is that of a bong! [Hold for applause] Using only over 60 stars, we've contructed Ursa Majors most narly constellation, many of which aren't even visible by the naked eye. [Hold for Ooh's]. Now may we find the new Christ! [Hold for Wow's] Simply use the northernmost star, and there, a great garden of ganja awaits. In this garden, you will find a dragonfruit. Eat of that dragonfruit. [Pause for dramatic effect] FOR IT IS GROWN OF THC.
Plant the seed in harsh soil. Then, in 4 months, return. A VIRGIN BIRTH OF GOD'S ONLY BEGOTTEN DAUGHTER!…”
*flash!*
“Fran Drescher is: The New Jesus!”
*Flash to Fran Drescher talking to a dirty guy*
Fran: “I GUESS I'M SUPPOS-TA HEAL YA, HAH-HAH-HAHAHAHAAH”
*Flash to dirty man becoming dressed in an all pink leotard*
Fran: “FABULOUS!”

“Starring:
Rick Springfield as the Prophet Muhammed!”
*Flash to Rick Springfield drawing maps of the sky*
Rick Springfield: “And lo, we shall call it[pause for dramatic flair]THE GAUDIUS.
Out in the Gaudiosphere it will float. And God–
io will be pleased.
Alanis Morisette as LOOKS LIKE SHE'D BE THE CREEPY GIRL WHO LIVES ABOVE ME.”
*Flash to Alanis*
Alanis: “GOT UP CUP OF…UH…[scratches crotch]…SUGAR?”

“Steve Perry is…Steve Perry”
*flash to Steve Perry singing on stage*
Steve Perry: “AND SO I COMMMMEEE TO YOUUUU, WITH OOOOPENNNN ARMS–

THIS SUMMER'S BLOCKBUSTER: JESUS IN THE CITY
Rated R for mild nudity, violence and drug usage.

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