I just don't get it. People can see a baby and automatically swoon and coo, “Awww the baby is so cute.” Bah! If you're dumb enough to get your girl knocked up, I'm here to tell you that babies are dirty, noisy, annoying little fuckers who don't do shit for anyone. And on top of that, they are way more expensive to maintain than a goldfish. Then they grow up into sarcastic, smart ass know-it-alls. For that reason, I've compiled a list of helpful hints, to help you raise your little dirt magnet in the most cost effective, peaceful and socially responsible way possible.

Infancy and Early Childhood

There is a saying: “Children grow up so fast.” That may be true, but this problem of children growing is easily solved. There will be no need for expensive new clothes every 6 months using my method. Feed your child sporadically. They'll be fine for a good 3 days before they even get close to passing out. And if you keep them caged, they won't be able to run around using precious energy. That, my friends, is the key to keeping your food and clothing bills in check. Quiet children make for happy parents. If you find your child lying face down, motionless and turning blue in the backyard swimming pool, enjoy the peace and quiet for a while before resuscitating them.

If your little monster starts going crazy on the bus or train, bring out a squash ball. Not so the child can play with it. Simply push the squash ball into the child's mouth, tie their hand behind their back and your journey will be blissfully quiet. Alternatively, point to the homeless guy with one tooth sleeping on the bus' back seat, and tell your child they'll wake up the boogie man if they carry on. Fuck, my mom pulled that trick on me when I was 2 years old, and I still check under my bed for rapists and pedophiles every night before going to sleep.

Should your child ever throw a tantrum while you're in the supermarket, I've developed a technique for maximizing the distance between you and the ear splittingly loud child. Simply walk over, grab one of their arms and sling them across the polished tiles. Eventually, the child will slam into a set of shelves or the dairy case, and you'll be able to continue food shopping in peace. If you absolutely must take your child out in public before they are toilet trained, entertain them by taking them to places that smell worse than a loaded diaper. The chimpanzees exhibit at the zoo, a day of swimming with water wings at the local sewage plant, or even visit grandpa in the old folk's home. That old man smell is guaranteed to overpower even the strongest baby stench.

The Schooling Years and Into Young Adulthood

When the child gets a little older, maybe 11 or 12, allow them to catch you having sex with your partner. This will ensure they associate sex with an awkward, sickly feeling, and ensure that teenage pregnancies are avoided. Think about it. Catching your parents playing “the beast with two backs” is the best contraceptive there is. Prevent high school bullying by taking your child off to the tattooist for some work on their upper arm, or for the girls, their lower back. Yes the work is will be permanent, but a small price to pay for your child's high school popularity. After all, being popular and cool at high school is the most important thing in the world.

Inevitably, during their teens your spawn will be exposed to undesirable peers, and drugs and alcohol. The best way to combat this? Accompany your child to a party, get drunk off your ass and quite literally, rock out with your cock out. Be sure to grope the breasts or ass of a few of your child's jailbait friends. Your kid will be too embarrassed to hang out with the same druggie crowd again.


By this stage, your little one will be all grown up. Hopefully, they'll be a well adjusted virgin who doesn't drink, smoke or play chicken with oncoming traffic. But sadly, they'll go off to college and ignore everything you taught them. And one night they'll phone you to bail them out of jail, because they flunked every subject, went on a booze and coke bender and got caught by the cops having sex a tranny named Sparkles in the local 7-11 parking lot.

Me? Have kids? Not in this fucking lifetime.