It's true! I've fallen in love with a tall, dark, bottle shaped man named Dr. Pepper. I wrote a Hard Way on this when I just started, but I feel people aren't really getting the point. My own roommates underestimate my fanaticism… with the exception of Adam, who mentioned a certain commercial. Fade to that commercial.

It had a guy being all cuddly and romantic, to the point where you cringe when you watch it, with his girl. Meatloaf is blaring “I would do anything for love” in the sound track, and the guy is contently letting her whip him into submission. UNTIL the stupid bitch tries to get a sip of his Dr. Pepper. “But I won't do THAT,” and our hero immediately gets up, disgusted with her audacity. He walks out and doesn't look back.

Adam's only response: “Michael Faerber.” I was so proud of him. Because he truly understands how much I love Dr. Pepper… and also how I love to break up with women.

And as much as I'd like to blog about breaking up with women, today we'll focus more on the relationship that will never end. Dr. Pepper and I are meant to be. Here is some proof.

– I can tell the difference between Dr. Pepper and its imitators. Some are too harsh, others too sweet, but they all have something amiss: not enough cherry, weird aftertaste, big kick but not enough follow through, are just some examples. If you find yourself in some twisted hell void of Dr. Pepper, reach for Dr. Skipper. It's probably the closest thing to the real deal, maybe 'cause he still went to medical school. Fuck you Mr. Pibb.

– I can even tell the difference between different Dr. Peppers. Each has a different syrup to carbonation ratio. If I were to rank them… in my blog… after this sentence, it would probably look like this:
Fountain DP (Flat)- It Happens, sometimes you just don't get enough juice with the bubbles.
DP Liter bottle- Good stuff, but the pouring and/or sitting in the fridge will kill some of the bite.
Fountain DP (Strong)- When you're looking for quantity, there's nothing like a big 40 ouncer to pour down until you're sick. Careful with the ice, you'll only water down the soda which comes out cold anyway.
DP twelve pack- The most balanced serving size and style. Load up the fridge and you've got twelve times the deep cherry burn. I sometimes carry them like grenades on my bandolier in case a thirst insurrection arises and I need to put it down.
DP 20 Ouncer- I'm saving myself for this bad boy. Whenever he's around, it's just pure pleasure. I actually sometimes drink so much, I overdose my tongue and it tastes like sour nothingness. He's the perfect size, and I always open wide for him.

– I love Dr. Pepper flavored hot wings… and the one place that makes them.

– When I'm trying to mix alcohol, I almost always reach for a Dr. Pepper. I then lament the fact that the alcohol is ruining my DP.

– I don't think the caffeine in DP has any sort of affect on me any more.

– I once doused a Dr. Pepper on my head and it felt just as great as I imagined.

– I wish Dr. Pepper came in kegs.

– I'm drinking one right now.