College apartments are made out of paper, shitty music, and broken glass, but what really makes them suck is the other residents. I've compiled a list of the worst traits of my worst neighbors. The only neighbor who's behavior didn't make the list is the one who got arrested for dealing cocaine because at least she didn't fucking annoy me.

1. You walk really loudly. 

I'm aware that our building has a bug problem, but I highly doubt that it's so bad upstairs that you literally have to squish a bug with every step. I'm especially delighted by the creaking sound the ceiling over my kitchen makes in the morning when you thud your fat ass to the fridge to grab another beer to go with your cereal. It's 9am, I want coffee and 3 more hours of sleep, not a panic attack that you're about to fall through the ceiling and squish me.

2. Your drunken singing. 

Actually it's not the singing itself that I mind, it's your horrific taste in music and ability to sing off-key for 12 hours straight. My only hope is that by two in the morning if you don't stop believing you can actually sing you'll pass out. Even your snoring is more melodic than your Journey covers.

3. That rodent you seem to have mistaken for a dog won't shut up. 

My dog weighs at least 20 times your dog's weight and hates high-pitched noises. We should introduce them, I'm sure she would love it. Also, I hate hearing you shriek at your dog every few days for pooping in your purse.  Did you honestly think its tiny brain could comprehend “Not the Prada, Fifi!”? Your ability to reach a higher and even more irritating pitch than your chischnauzibrat is truly remarkable.

4. We're on the same shower schedule. 

I don't want to know about your tendency to cough up hairballs mid-shower, or hear you grunting while doing god knows what, and I really don't appreciate running into you when I leave my apartment only to have you tell me you enjoyed showering together. Similarly, just because the walls are thin enough to have a conversation through doesn't mean we need to, and really doesn't mean I need a play-by-play of what part of your body you're currently washing.

5. Your country-pop habit. 

I have an entire playlist of music specifically chosen to offend you, and my speakers are aimed at your wall. If you need anything I'll be in my bedroom with noise-reducing headphones and a movie, but I probably won't be able to hear you over the music. Sorry about that, but you can't play Slayer quietly, and Taylor Swift can't sing non-annoyingly.  This is really the only solution.

6. Your naked phases. 

We can all see you on your porch. I'm not sure how you fail to understand that “screened in” implies “keeps bugs out” not “prevents neighbors from seeing your junk at 2 in the afternoon.” Other activities for which you might want to consider wearing pants include stepping outside to get your newspaper, standing in front of your open window at night, and swimming in the pool.

7. You threw up in my bushes and/or peed in my pansies. 

It's gross, and besides, we BOTH hate the guy across from us, so perform all spontaneous bodily functions over there and maybe I won't carefully hose all of your vomit onto your doormat next time.

8. You have an irritating tendency to hang out directly outside my door, or if I go outside you appear nearby within 30 seconds. 

I came out onto my porch to drink my coffee away from the sound of your TV, not to awkwardly chat with you over the railing. Just because you heard my door open doesn't mean it's open season on girl next door.

9. When you fell off your balcony you landed on the fence instead of the bushes. 

As much as I might wish you bodily harm, it's a lot more muffled when you land in the bushes, and your screaming isn't as loud, either. I'm trying to sleep, dammit. And tell your friends to quit calling 911 when you do this.  It happens every couple of months and you have yet to die. Besides, if you're responsible for it the next time I'm woken up at 3 in the morning by sirens your fence injuries will seem like nothing.

10. You feed your cats outside, despite the fact that they spend 99% of their time inside curled up by the window judging everyone who walks by. 

I understand that you don't want bugs, but you're attracting every opossum in the area to your patio every night. When I take my dog for her 2am potty break, I have to walk past the possum party you're involuntarily hosting. Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to walk past 16 beady glowing red eyes? And by the way, I'm pretty sure that new cat you got is just an especially furry opossum.

"Found" sign for cat that looks like opossum