Layne Swann and Hixon Tucker Lee were wed on July 4 in an outdoor ceremony at the McHale Plantation. The bride wore an Idan Cohen gown, as a nod to her style “inspo,” Bachelor in Paradise’s Carly Waddell. The groom appeared to have been dressed like the toddler son of an Instagram lifestyle celebrity, or Prince Louis of Cambridge, complete with striped suspenders and gingham flair. A minister, Todd, who moonlights as a conversion therapist, officiated. Todd noted during the service, appropos of nothing, that he knows Drag Race is not about cars.

The couple described the aesthetic of the reception venue as farmhouse chic. Notably, the bridesmaids were dressed as mason jars. The guests were starving for the first 2.5 hours due to a combination of Keto-unfriendly appetizers and TED Talk-length toasts. The reception had a photobooth (passé mustaches notwithstanding), and their hashtag #MarryMeMerriLee was embraced by many. The groom’s cake was chocolate and the bride’s cake tasted like an old person’s heel. Although the rest of the “Bride Tribe” (excepting the Maid-of-Honor) was privy to the fact that the reception barn would be swampland adjacent, they failed to impart to the guests the need for mosquito repellant. There were, however, monogrammed baskets in all of the Port-a-Potties.

Mrs. Lee works for a consultancy of unknown merit in which she gets to drink a lot of watered-down cosmos in airports and guilelessly sports the full color wheel of pencil skirts. Mr. Lee works for Garden & Gun Magazine as a photographer; the industries in which he could wear Madras shorts to work each day were limited.

Absolutely not a single soul was interested in the Lee’s parents’ names or careers, only that they kept the bar open during the insufferably long toasts. As an act of mercy, they did so, with the bartenders overheard muttering, “A heavy pour. Learn about it.”

The couple met in 2009 at Thibodoux Academy and began dating when she was a sophomore and he was a junior. Their young romance began when Mrs. Lee noticed that Mr. Lee had a neck after he cut his mullet. Mr. Lee cites Mrs. Lee’s ability to match her Vera Bradley pencil pouch to her backpack as an early point of attraction. Their courtship involved more lawn sports than could ever be thought ironic. Mr. and Mrs. Lee are both proud alumni of a Large State University in The SEC, though Mrs. Lee sometimes leads with the fact that they are both graduates of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University (FPU). Mrs. Lee did not complete the reading for said graduation though she frequently cites “blessed and highly favored” as a value proposition she learned from FPU.

No one, not even Mr. Lee’s grandmother who said she is playing along with the charade, believes Mr. Lee will actually move out of his childhood bedroom from which he has not yet removed his personal effects. Mr. Lee intimated that he still hopes to be able to stop by his parents’ home daily to find a ready supply of Uncrustables in the freezer. The mother of the bride also penned each and every thank you note for wedding gifts received; the couple cited a lack of handwriting skills as precluding them from the task.

The couple will honeymoon in a country that does not matter since Mrs. Lee believes the country is called “Sandals,” which, it is projected, she will showcase endlessly with selfies of only herself. Mr. Lee will likely be bereft to learn belatedly that the alcohol is not part of what is all-inclusive.

The couple plans to reside in Thibodeaux in the groom’s grandmother’s house. The couple has not yet informed the groom’s grandmother of their plans, though they expect she “got the hint” as all of their registry items were sent to her address.

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