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Thank you for visiting FEMA's Early Warning System web page for information about an impending disaster in your area. Though the debt ceiling has forced us to rely on advertising revenue to fund our operations, we're committed to providing you with all the information you'll need to survive this crisis. Please scroll down the page and click on the “NEXT” button to learn more. (NEXT)

FEMA uses air-raid sirens only when a cataclysmic event is imminent. If the present danger were less serious, say a chemical leak, firestorm, or escaped zoo animals, we'd have sent you information via mobile phones, radio, and television. (NEXT)

Now would be a good time to use the restroom. You should also gather your family and pets and turn off any stove burners. (NEXT)

If we were warning you about an earthquake, we'd ask that you not call us with suggestions about blasting the fault with nuclear-tipped missiles or flooding it with water to lubricate it. All of our emergency operators have been furloughed. (NEXT)

If we were warning you about a nuclear attack, we'd advise you not to hide in a refrigerator the way Indiana Jones did in that movie right before the atom bomb exploded. In real life, Indiana would have experienced enough acceleration to have made his eyeballs explode and his bones snap, though the intense, searing heat from the nuclear fireball likely would have killed him first. (NEXT)

Besides, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has deemed it unsafe under any circumstances to enclose yourself in a refrigerator, due to the risk of suffocation. (NEXT)

If we were warning you about a pyroclastic flow from a volcanic eruption, your best bet would be to drive away from it as fast as possible. Unless, of course, you're not able to get more than ten kilometers from the vent, in which case we'd recommend that you sit down, relax, and await further instructions. (NEXT)

Ten kilometers is about six miles. (NEXT)

Fun fact: Ash clouds buried Pompeii so quickly that today, almost two thousand years later, we can see exactly what the residents were doing the instant they died. (NEXT)

You wouldn't want to end up like “Masturbating Man,” who's been the subject of ridicule ever since a photo of his full-body plaster cast was first circulated in 2017. (NEXT)

Some scientists, though, dispute whether he was indeed masturbating, claiming it was all a big misunderstanding. Again, we recommend you use the restroom if you haven't already done so. (NEXT)

In response to the most frequently asked question we get about hurricanes, the answer is light and dark rum, orange and passion-fruit juice, simple syrup, and grenadine. (NEXT)

As it turns out, your disaster isn't a hurricane, volcanic eruption, nuclear attack, or earthquake. Instead, a tsunami is racing toward your city at five hundred miles per hour. We recommend that you and your loved ones calmly get into a car and drive to high ground as quickly as possible, assuming it's not too - -


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