Aries—Macbeth

You are a natural-born leader. In fact, everything you’ve ever wanted may seem like it’s falling perfectly in place right now. Your worst enemy is your impulsivity; you are quick to make decisions and, in your haste, might slaughter all of your friends. Also, keep an eye out for anyone who was from their mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.

Taurus—Titus Andronicus

You are determined and reliable, which will pay off over the years as you climb the career ladder. Be aware that things may take a turn for the worse later in life when 21 of your sons die on the field of battle and your superiors slowly torture and maim you and the rest of your living family. It will take you some time to face such problems head on—when that time comes, make it count by baking those problems into pies and feeding them to their mother.

Gemini—Antipholus of Ephesus

Your ability to adapt to new situations will come in handy when your friends and family begin claiming that you are doing strange things you have no memory of. This may lead to your arrest, but don’t worry. Your horoscope aligns with a comedy, so at least nobody is going to die. Your twin brother might bang your wife though.

Cancer—Hamlet

Your emotionally-driven indecisiveness may be the end of you, literally, via rapier and/or poison. Cancers are famously moody, and you are no exception—your friends and family who aren’t ghosts may find this to be a burden. Moreover, your drive to protect your loved ones is noble, but will do way, way more harm than you think (trust me). Also, make sure you check behind the arras before you stab the shit out of it.

Leo—Prince Hal

You are fun, generous, and well-loved by many friends, but your family may find your lifestyle disrespectful. Your father may even favor another dude’s son, who has the same first name as you. You should immediately remedy this issue with a claymore.

Unfortunately, shortly after earning your father’s approval, he will die anyway.

Virgo—Viola

Unlike your Cancer rival, you mourn death in a more practical way: by dressing up as the deceased and dicking around in a foreign country. This initially upsetting loss may prove fruitful for your family as you inadvertently become your actually-alive brother’s wingman and you end up marrying into wealth. Also, there’s a clown.

Libra—Brutus

Though you are a natural diplomat, you are also too easily influenced, and you may end up stabbing a friend in the back (immediately after your friend gets stabbed in the back 22 other times). Resolve your ensuing guilt by in turn stabbing yourself in the front.

Scorpio—Othello

You have a magnetic and exciting aura that attracts all, including cartoonishly evil people. When you begin to suspect your most loved ones of betraying you, stop for a second and consider that perhaps it’s the other douchebag who is manipulating everyone. Or, you know, just smother your wife and stab yourself. Whichever!

Sagittarius—Juliet

You may be overly optimistic about your new relationship, especially in the face of your families’ ancient, bloody grudge. You are very smart but a bit irresponsible, which is obvious in your plan to self-induce a forty-hour cataleptic coma to usher your banished lover back into the city. Show your romantic side to the world by killing yourself with said lover’s dagger.

Capricorn—Portia

Your sense of justice is inspirational, and you have the potential to be remembered for generations as you soar beyond the boundaries society has set on your sex. What people will not remember, luckily, is that you’re hugely racist.

Aquarius—Timon of Athens

You are quite the philanthropist. You may even feel inclined to give away all of your possessions, only to wonder why you no longer have any possessions. Your zany unpredictability will come into play when you have a sudden urge to live in a cave and plot to hang everyone in your hometown. It’s okay to leave your hatred unchecked, though. Nobody will remember you anyway.

Pisces—The Bear from The Winter’s Tale

You are a bear.


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