Hello, everyone. My name is Michael and I have been involved with PIC for approximately 6 months. I am relatively new to the scene, largely due to the fact that we just got Internet in Canada and my 56k voice modem was intercepted at Canadian Customs and accidentally sent to a museum. Although I have only been part of the community for 1/20th of its existence (coincidentally the same ratio as my brain function), I already feel like part of the family.

Many writers have added me as a friend on Facebook. These acts of kindness brought a tear to my eye; never before has anyone ever officially admitted to knowing me. I hear the same excuses all the time in the Battlestar Galactica forums: "CylonMike, please stop sending me friend requests. I have several job applications pending at GameStop and I can't have any potential employers seeing you on my friends list." So thank you for accepting me into your online lives and giving me full photo album privileges; once I get a new ink cartridge I can finish printing off pictures of you all and continue wallpapering my room.

PIC Friends on Facebook

Sure, visitors may come for entertainment and leave without dignity, but many people return the favor by posting comments on our articles. I found the Points in Case website when I was looking for a way to submit a skit I wrote to SNL about Mark Wahlberg being a Walmart greeter (the scene has yet to be aired/acknowledged that it was received). After reading about hate fucking, asshole waiters, and dead babies (where would we be without punctuation?), I decided this was a place for me.

I carefully read the submission guidelines and answered all questions honestly:

Do you have a knack for comedy writing? No.

Do at least three of your friends think you're pretty funny? I don't have any friends.

Then we want you to contribute to the site! Oh, okay.

But where would this all be without the readers? Nowhere. Visitors to the site keep this carnival going. Sure, they may come for entertainment and leave without dignity, but many people return the favor by posting comments on our articles. Sometimes a comment comes in the form of confidence boosting praise, other times constructive criticism. As an amateur writing enthusiast I find the criticisms most helpful towards developing and improving my craft. Here are some examples of my favorites:

  • "What a whiney little bitch you are. Go get a new job if you're not too fucking retarded and unqualified. Reject."
    -Anonymous on October 1st, 2010
  • "fuck you"
    -Anonymous on November 6th, 2010

I'd like to take this time to address the first comment and clear the air of any misconceptions. I am unqualified. The first time I took grade 12 (senior) English I received a grade of 46. The second time around I achieved a 50. My overall high school average was 50%. After two years out of school I attended University as a mature student. I dropped out after my first semester. My transcript has two courses—the marks are 65 and 45. I obtained .50 credit(s) during my studies.

So as you can see I am not qualified to have a job that doesn't suck, write anything using the English language, or contribute to a college humor site, seeing as I am not/never really was a college student.

So now seems like the perfect time to retire from contributing to this website. Who knows, maybe one day I will un-retire, endorse Wrangler's jeans, and then suffer a season/career ending injury. Actually I think I won't retire, so that I can maintain my immortality.

Thank you Court, writers, and readers. Keep being funny.

-Michael Winston

Dictated But Not Read

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