I'm not sure if anyone else under the age of 72 watched 60 Minutes the other Sunday, but it featured perhaps the most terrifying expose on the newest threat to humanity: fucking robots…not like, specifically "fucking" robots (sex bots…though they're a threat too I'm sure), but just robots in general, with a "fucking" added for emphasis.

Yeah, we all remember the SNL skit where the old people sit around talking about robot insurance; well guess what, I'm now one of those old people. The problem, however, is that I'm not worried about clunky-ass 1930s looking robots coming into my apartment and beating me to death. If only it were that easy. No, these robots, the 60 Minutes robots, the REAL FUCKING ROBOTS, are super-sleek job-killing bastards, designed by humans (thanks, us) to slowly wage a war of attrition on the working class until nothing is left but hyper-rich human owners of robot plantations and their ultra-hot robot sex minions.

The greediest people will make money off robots and say "fuck you!" to your squalor while they're getting robot blowjobs from a BlowBot 5000.I could have watched a 60 Minutes expose on how Reese's Peanut Butter Cups give you dick cancer when you're 26 and I would have been less mortified than I am after watching this robot-apocalypse precursor. At least with Reese's Dick CancerTM you get to enjoy peanut butter cups and retain dignity and a job until the doctor (probably a robot) unceremoniously cuts off your dick. In the not-too-distant robot controlled future, we all slowly begin to be replaced by robots, losing our jobs, income, families, and well-being, until we're left with billions of "economically unviable" humans and a few million robots that make products for NOBODY, as we no longer have money to buy the stupid shit robots make, because the robots took our jobs!

Some may say, "Well the job market will adapt to create jobs that work with and around the terrifying robots."

Okay, a reasonable point, but a completely unfounded one. The rate at which humans are being replaced by robots is unprecedented. Our economy is expanding at an astounding rate, but the amount of jobs remains stagnant. The kind of unparalleled economic growth as a result of robots is surely a sign to business owners to continue firing humans (what YOU are) and hiring a few robots to do the job. There isn't really a way to increase the amount of jobs at the rate at which the robot-run jobs are coming at us. FUUUUUCKK.

Others may say, "Well robots won't take my job, because I'm a lawyer, salesperson, accountant, physician, writer, etc. whatever whogivesafuck."

Your job can be done by a robot, much better than you and for much less money. If it isn't possible now, it's in development or soon to be in development. That fucking 60 Minutes piece said robots are on the way to creating "reasonably good prose." Seriously? Whoever invented the ProseBot should get Reese's Dick CancerTM ASAP. Furthermore, if anyone reads work written by said ProseBot, he or she should get some form of debilitating illness…potentially dick cancer. Fuck Robot prose.

Still, people will say, "But the robots might be doing an amazing job that will one day yield a future in which all of us (humans) can live leisurely in equality."

Really? Is that going to happen? Are we suddenly going to live in harmony once robots take our jobs and purpose for being? Doubtful. People are greedy, and the greediest people will make money off of robots and say "fuck you!" to your squalor while they're getting robot blowjobs from a BlowBot 5000 while simultaneously having their teeth cleaned at the robot dentist. This shit is insane!

Is anyone else terrified? Call me old fashioned, but I always thought that the welfare and happiness of people came before robots/the bottom line (money)/BlowBot 5000's. There is no way Utopia is just a few robots away. I think we need to stop killing each other first, or at least stop using KillBots to murder other people (i.e. Middle Eastern people) at a highly efficient and cost-effective rate, before we consider the potential of a robot-fueled paradise.

Yeah, yeah. I sound like a crazy old curmudgeon, horrified of change and the increasing pace of life. Maybe you should be too is all I'm saying. Remember that time when you had a task to accomplish, and you did it? Remember that feeling afterwards…what was it called? Oh yeah, accomplishment. Well, that shit will slowly become a thing of the past. A fucking relic. Soon the only two jobs will be designing robots (soon to be replaced by robot robot-designers) and entertaining the few thousand people who managed to capitalize off of the robot fortune (until of course, robot entertainment progresses to the point that it eclipses petty human entertainment). Then, of course, our species will slowly die off and fuck it, we had to go sometime right?

However, my predictions are only 95% accurate, as I am merely a Hyoomann, incapable of perfectly accurate predictions.

My highly effective solutions to the robot apocalypse:

  1. Get drunk. Seriously, only humans and other animals can do that…for now…oh no, it's a DrunkBot 3000…
  2. Scream at anyone who talks to their iPhone for longer than a few sentences. They're harvesting a dependence that can only be satisfied by increased robot usage.
  3. Punch any robot in the face. Yes, metal hurts your fists, but it's a small price to pay to send a message to robots.
  4. Refuse robots and robot manufacturers entrance to your parties.
  5. Don't fall in love with robots. No matter how real it may seem, they are incapable of sharing that emotion.
  6. Get a "No More Robotz" tattoo on your lower back or throat. Make sure your tattoo artist is not a robot.
  7. Get more drunk…that will excuse your behavior, as it has been very "robot-centric" lately, ever since you read that paranoid article about robots….