On the eve of being my younger cousin's confirmation sponsor, I got to thinking about the best ways to celebrate for the young chap. I was unimpressed by the prospect of purchasing a "gift" for him, like some shoddy-ass gold cross he could wear once and then pawn at Cash-For-Gold when he turned 18 and desperately needed to buy some legal porn, guns, and cigarettes. Nor did I want to bestow upon him some religious wisdom or zeal (both of which I have none of) contained in an old book about God or Jesus or whatever. I figured the best way to make him appreciate his confirmation was to get mildly intoxicated before the ceremony and hopefully hit on some legal-aged female confirmation sponsors also in attendance.

But how does one get boozed up properly for a confirmation? One can't simply take eleven Screaming Nazi shots half an hour before the event and go in there all sloppy. A nice mellow red wine buzz is the only way to get drunk before a confirmation. Sure, the "cool" confirmation sponsors might be sharing a bottle of Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy in the church parking lot before they head in, but you'll be the last one laughing when the sacramental wine easily extends your buzz and provides an excuse for your wine breath post-confirmation.

The Recipe:

  • 1½ bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon 1-2 hours before the event

Cut the booze with half a block of smoked gouda and take precautions not to spill wine on your nice new confirmation sponsor suit. Also, don't make out with hot female confirmation sponsors until the blow-out confirmation party (avoid feeling girls up in church).

But what about your next likely event? Luckily I've compiled a list so you don't have to worry about how to get fucktarded for the next big thing!

1. Best Friend's Birthday Party (Girl)

Girls drinking champagne at a birthday partyThis is a special day for your friend, and the only way to really make her comfortable and happy is to get hammered with or without them. If you're a girl, you probably have (and secretly hate) a best friend who wants you to take every shot or drink with them. This presents a problem, because your friend is most likely a lightweight and she'll end up blowing a dude before you can start to feel "normal."

So before your friend starts blowing me (see what I did there? I made myself "the dude" that your friend is blowing), introduce her to champagne cocktails. Champagne is good for all occasions, but it's most effective for a young lady's birthday extravaganza. Drink at least a bottle each of cheapass champagne before guests arrive or before going to the destination of choice, and mix it with special ingredients.

The Recipe:

  • 2 bottles of champagne's worth of B Walsh's signature champagne cocktail (2 parts champagne, 1 sugar cube, 1 part lemon vodka)

No, it's not your standard champagne cocktail, but you wanted to get drunk right?

Cut the cocktails with half a birthday cake and see how long it takes before you guys go to the bathroom to "talk" (make yourselves vomit).

2. Best Friend's Birthday Party (Dude)

Convince your friend that the only way to celebrate his birthday and prove his manhood to you is to become incoherent for his birthday party. Join him. Wake up tomorrow and get breakfast, all the while trying to recall last night's event.

The Recipe:

  • 4 shots Jack
  • 2 shots Jager
  • 9 beers
  • 1 Irish car bomb
  • 7 cigarettes you wish you hadn't smoked but did because you were drunk

Cut the booze with a meatball sandwich and shame.

3. Friend-of-a-Friend's Birthday Party

Because you probably have no liability at this event, and you are more than likely going to be a stranger to everyone there, you'll need lots of "momentum" heading into this one. Being noticeably drunk upon entrance is the only way to impress these potential new friends. The friend who is bringing you to the party should drive, because he's the dick for dragging you to this shitty party.

The Recipe:

  • 2 glasses of wine
  • 7 beers at your friend's place before departure (may I suggest some delicious Ommegang Three Philosophers?)

Cut the pre-party booze with whatever is in your shitty friend's cabinet or fridge; he owes you for being such a dick and taking you to a stupid stranger party.

4. Funeral/Wake

Guinness and Irish coffee at a wake or funeralOn such a sad occasion, you need to make sure your drinking displays despair and perhaps a philosophical contemplative quality, which a viewer can imagine translates to your stirred-up notions on life and death as a result of the funeral. In keeping with funeral attire, all of your drinks should be black. Make sure to cry when you get drunk enough, potentially during the ceremony, and make the event more about your out-of-control emotions than the life and death of a loved one.

The Recipe:

  • 1 Irish coffee
  • 3 Guinness's pre-ceremony
  • 1 flask of Jager during ceremony
  • 1 jug Funeral Juice post-ceremony (Funeral Juice: ½ diet cola, ¼ Kraken rum, ¼ Jager, top with tears)

Cut the booze with some of that FREE funeral reception food!

5. Company Christmas Party

Oh the classic "get too drunk around co-workers" party. Contrary to popular belief, there is a proper way to get drunk at these events, and it doesn't involve the typical Christmas drinks. Egg nog, mulled wine, rum toddies, ughh. I always assumed that drinking was supposed to make you feel weightless and invincible, and all those heavy Christmas drinks won't cut it. No, you're going to be the intoxicated star of the party, hanging high above the heads of all those weighed down losers full on sugar and cream. But you want to be festive as well, correct? Festive and totally sauced out of your dome? Done and done.

Some key points about getting drunk at this event: make sure to wear a Christmas tie that ends up around your head at some point (the hot chick at work thinks that look is so fuckable btw); don't be afraid to tell everyone how you really feel; and if there's a gift swap, make sure you let everyone know which gift you brought and how much you spent (it's en vogue to be wayyyy over budget).

The Recipe:

  • 1 pre-party vodka-Red Bull (it's a party, right?)
  • 8 Christmas Bombs (drop 1 shot peppermint schnapps into ½ glass winter seasonal beer and chug)
  • 2 glasses champagne

Cut the booze with ONLY Christmas cookies. It's very important to have a steady stream of holiday mirth in your system at all times.

6. Columbus Day

Columbus Day punchThe unsung hero of drinking parties. Where were you last Columbus Day? Don't remember? That's probably because you were so stinko from all those Columbus Day celebrations. This year, get just as bombed, but don't take for granted the holiday itself. Columbus Day is, after all, about…explorers…and native population genocide…Italians who were Spanish…and other stuff like that.

Anyway, everyone knows that traditional C-Day attire is orange and red (for pumpkins and blood), so be sure to dress accordingly BEFORE you start getting drunk. This is imperative. Dressing while drunk, though completely awesome at the time, could ruin your Columbus Day image and chances of hooking up at that banger of a C-Day party (people get horny mid-October).

Once you're properly dressed, assemble a pre-party crew to imbibe with (might I suggest a bunch of overenthusiastic, insecure dudes?). Make sure you have a designated driver or taxi available, as cops are on the lookout on Columbus Day, the biggest party day of the year.

The Recipe:

Make sure you have enough liquor to assemble the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria shot lineup, a Columbus Day favorite. To do this, line up three shot glasses, fill the first one (Nina) with spiced rum, the second (Pinta) with pineapple juice, and the third (Santa Maria) with apple vodka.

  • Take 2 NPSM shots, downing each set of 3 in rapid succession to feel just like Columbus did when he brought European diseases to the Americas!
  • 3 keg stands at the party
  • 2 glasses Columbus Punch (red Kool-Aid mix, Devil's Springs, Midori, water)
  • 1 warm beer

Cut the booze with the tapas of your choice!

7. Fourth of July Party

America's birthday, sort of. The fourth, more than any other day, is a day for Michelob Ultra. I'm not a Mic Ult drinker for 364 days of the year. In fact, I think it's highly revolting. However, I do find that in July heat, in the midst of patriotic rhetoric exchanged between party guests, nothing satisfies like a watery American light beer. You can drink 25 and remain coherent, standing and hydrated. If you want to get properly boozed (as the title of the article suggests), I recommend adding in some form of American whiskey. If you consume ANYTHING OTHER than Mic Ult, American whiskey, and various meats and starchy salads, you are NOT American. No tequila, no vodka, no absinthe (I don't care where it was produced).

The Recipe:

  • Play whiffleball
  • Break for 7 beers and 1 shot Jack
  • Play 1 game volleyball poorly
  • Break for 7 more beers (get distracted by grilled meat, do not return to volleyball)
  • 2 JD's on the rocks
  • 5 Mic Ults
  • Pushup contest with cousin (blame the loss on work+school; you haven't been working out as hard you used to)

Cut that booze with grilled meats, potato salad, pasta salad, and if you're feeling saucy, a shot of mayonnaise.

8. Halloween Costume Party

Pumpkin beer at Halloween partyFalse identity + lots of booze/wackyass party = no repercussions. Take that little equation into consideration when planning how to get slopsville for a Halloween costume party. First off, no heavy masks, no cloaks, and no long capes; you don't want to suffocate in your costume. This is a safety precaution above all else. If you're a chick, obviously just wear a slutty costume…baha, yeah yeah, we've all heard the joke a billion times. If you're a dude, any sort of one-piece jump suit will do the trick, so long as you remember to include a crotch flap (astronaut, inmate, NASCAR driver, mechanic, Air Force pilot). One-pieces prevent any hindrance to your drinking, protect against that October chill, and allow for a multitude of accessories (aviators, obviously).

The most important thing to remember about getting drunk at a costume party is that it's not real life. There aren't any consequences because you aren't you and the other people aren't themselves! You didn't break a window, but you saw some sexy auto mechanic with aviators break a window. You didn't molest the bartender, but a really attractive inmate wearing aviators certainly did.

The Recipe:

  • 2 seasonal pumpkin beers
  • 2 Oktoberfest beers
  • 1 Washington apple cocktail
  • 3 Dirty Pumpkin Bombs (1 part Apple Pucker and 1 part Jager in a shot glass, then drop in ½ glass of pumpkin beer, chug, and grope something)
  • 1 tequila shot because you're forced to
  • 1 shared pitcher light beer

Cut that booze with candy—yes, allllll the candy. Reese's and Snickers mostly though, because you need the quality protein and fats.

9. Keg Party

Who needs to know how to get drunk at a keg party? It's pretty much all laid out for you, isn't it? To the untrained drinker, the party is simple. Procure a red Solo cup, wait too long for shitty beer, drink shitty beer, play Beirut, flip cup, make out sloppily with someone, and try to bang in a disgusting empty room. Straightforward, but ineffective if you want to have a good time.

I've always been on the planning side of the keg party, and I therefore never waited in lines. The key, in fact, is to have a quality 12-pack on hand (for yourself) for when the idiot guests come over, but more importantly, to have your own special pre-party consumption keg for the day of the party. Drinking your own keg all day leading up to the event ensures that you can play all those fun keg-related games without having to share the vile contents of the vessel. Gargoyle on top of the keg, do a keg stand, try to lift it over your head, kegshower!, fill your friend's shoes with beer, fill the fish tank with beer. All that Natty is yours for the playing, so enjoy it. You've just mastered the keg party before the party even happened.

The Recipe:

  • 1 keg Natty or Busch pre-party
  • 12-pack moderately priced, moderately delicious beer peri-party (that means during the party, you idiot)

Cut that booze with a stale, unsatisfying hangover when you wake up in the grimy bed of a stranger.

10. St. Patrick's Day Party

My favorite holiday because it's easy. Do you really need a guide? Drink all day. Wear green. Don't drink green beer unless you want to be a tool. Drink Guinness, Murphy's, Smithwick's, Jameson, and Bailey's.

The Recipe:

  • Wake up and drink 2 Irish coffees
  • Continue with Irish Mouth Bombs (1 swig Jameson, 1 swig Bailey's, wash down with Guinness) and Car Bombs
  • Assorted beer until unable to stand

Cut with corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and more Guinness.

11. High School Reunion

Wear plenty of gold chains and a garish suit. Make sure everyone knows you're a baller, and embarrass yourself. I mean reeaalllly embarrass yourself. Only drink oversized frozen drinks and complain that "these aren't as big as the drinks I get in the Islands…where I go all the time." Be vague about your occupation and social life. When someone brings up a cherished high school memory, pretend you don't remember because your life has been filled with so many amazing things that you couldn't possible recall a measly high school occasion. When you get home, drink bottom shelf bourbon in your apartment alone.

The Recipe:

  • 3 16-ounce top shelf mango margaritas
  • 1 glass pinot noir
  • 1 fifth bourbon

Cut that humiliation with 5 medium 1-topping pizzas for $5 from Domino's.

So there's a good starting point. Getting stupid drunk isn't as easy as some lesser drinkers may think. It's not just about overconsumption, it's about the right kind of overconsumption. Don't drink to get drunk, that's foolish. Drink to get properly drunk.