My Lord, hark and step into our humble Vitamin Shoppe. Behold! The most modern of elixirs, tonics, and tinctures to treat all wot ailes the young master, be it excessive black bile, exposure to noxious air, or dysregulated biorhythms.
Rejoice in balanced humors and an optimal gut microbiome with Enzymatic Amino Complex.
Rid thyself of toxins after a night of mirth and meade with Rejuvipure.
Conquer systemic inflammation and boost immune function with PaciVital CBD & Ashwagandha Recovery Gummies, washed down with a spoonful of mercury every conjunction of the spheres.
Perhaps thy mane of auburn lockes is thinning my liege? Try our latest Follicular RevitaBoost Maxx, develop’d by the finest alchemists from the far reaches of the Orient, and fortifyde with fresh ground bishopwort and the latest folic acid extract!
Beware, less honourable apothecaries like those knaves at GNC offer dubious ingredyents, and fie upon them! Our offerings may not be FDA approved, but by my troth, they are unsullied by contaminants! Rest assured of our soothfulness by the mark of independent testing from Verimax Wellness Solutions, LLC, founded six weeks ago in the princely fiefdom of Tampa.
Take this elyxir here, Z-Thrive by Alphamind. One microdose of the latest nootropics, and anon! Ye shall notice nary a complaint from thy downregulated adenosine receptors and wretchedly elevated cortisol levels. ‘Tis so effective, my Lord might think the malady never existed! Which is, of course, but a jape.
And here we have Bulletproof Anabolix Lone Wolf Pre-Workout, just the magyck bullet for wot bedevils my liege’s cursed leg days. ‘Tis certeyn to cultivate the stout and vascular frame to complement thy courtly tank top. Unconvinced? “Lone Wolf makes me a monster under the bar,” quoth naught other than the Earl Joseph of Rogan.
And with every purchase, get a three-pack of proteen cakes half off!
Or, pray thee, does sire seek a salve for to stave off the wrinkles, joint pain, and infirmities of aging? Mayhaps even conquer death, defying God Himself! Trifle not negotiating an accord with the Prince of Darkness, with his devyses and sleightes. Instead, turn to the exclusive formulation of wormwood and collagen peptides in PermaYouth Life Extenz. Aye, ‘tis $59.99 per bottle, but what is a fair price for immortality?
If you forgive my lewdeness, no knight is immune to lust, and sire is surely popular with the maidens, eh? Perhaps ye might woo yon fair damsel with a gift of our Bioglamme Beauty Colostrum or our Nugenix Haire, Skinne, and Nayls Solution? Beware she be not a witch, but should all go well, sire could need our TestostArouse Libidinoid Booster ere the morrow!
Apologies sire! I cry your mercy, I knew not my station in being so familiar with a genteel Lord of thine degree. But you do seem agitated. May I recommend our Klarity Labs B-Complex to ward off bouts of lunacy, best combined with a small hole drilled in the skull to let evil spirits out?
Take thy leave sire. But I implore thee, sign up for our Vita-Platinum Bonus Card with your purchase, and receive a free sample pack of leeches.