By staff writer John Peugeot
By now, you are probably (definitely!) really excited about joining the team here at Wenton’s Fluorescents. We’re excited (probably) to have you aboard!
It is my distinct privilege and honor to be the first to say: Welcome to the wonderful world of Wenton’s Fluorescents! This Employee Welcoming Packet (EWP) should answer any and all questions you might have about working with Wenton’s Fluorescents. Please fully read and sign.
Jasper S. Wenton III Vice President of Operations
Vice President of Operations
Opened by Jasper Wenton Sr. in April of 1976, Wenton’s Fluorescents has always been a fantastic place to work for a number of reasons: flexible hours (we’re now open from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.); great pay (please do not tell fellow employees how much you make); and Super Discounts (20% off any fluorescent bulbs in the store). In other words, your future’s looking awfully bright! Better get some shades!!
Wenton’s Fluorescents also happens to be a “laidback” place to work: Employees can “chill” or “hang out” while still receiving top-notch training in an “electrifying” field—as well as being ferociously productive. We do not, however, allow the smoking of cigarettes or the placing of hands in pockets (isn’t there something else you could be doing with those things!?!).
Despite these simple regulations, the managers at Wenton’s Fluorescents live by old man Wenton’s code: Rules are meant to be broken, not bulbs! This “manifesto” means we promote a “free-thinking” atmosphere, as well as a unique approach to the motivation of “Comrades,” or employees. For instance: Feel free to call managers by their first names (with the exception of Mr. Wenton); feel free to dress any way you see fit, as long as most people would unilaterally classify it as tasteful; basically, feel free to feel free.
Due to our “laidback” approach to management, Wenton’s Fluorescents needs to ensure that illicit drugs are not being taken by our Comrades. Mandatory, bi-weekly drug tests will be conducted to “weed out” which Comrades are “lighting it up” outside of work. In other words: Drugs and Wenton’s Fluorescents don’t mix. Don’t even try it, Buster! Also: Please refrain from taking Sudafed for colds and sinus infections, as it may register as “crystal meth.”
Shrinkage and Employee Discount
Stealing is another issue here at Wenton’s Fluorescents. The reason we give our Comrades a 20% discount (that’s right!) on everything Wenton is because we believe you deserve it. Hey, without you we’d be in the dark, is how we look at it. But, some employees take it upon themselves to take more than their fair share. Our manifesto clearly states that these selfish Comrades will receive their “hot-pink” slips (wages, in some cases, will be withheld until properly adjudicated by the state labor board). Here at Wenton’s Fluorescents, we look at taking as not giving.
The Wenton’s Expense Account
Besides the 20% discount, employees of Wenton’s Fluorescents are also given a monthly expense account. Let’s face it: Bulbs break every now and again, and we here at Wenton’s realize that it’s not always your fault. That’s why, every month, you will be given a Grace Account (GA) of two (2) bulbs. That means that every month, you are not held accountable for the breaking of two (2) bulbs.
After that, however, you are on your own. Wages will be withheld if more than two (2) bulbs are broken during your shift every month (we do not grant a 20% discount for these charges). That means that if two 9-year old kids decide to play “Darth Vader” with a couple of Wenton’s premium fluorescent bulbs, you better put a stop to it. And fast. Watching the customers (let’s face it: some people steal) is part of every Comrade’s job, and these somewhat strict regulations help hold everyone accountable to our High Standards of Excellence (HSE).
Also: If the customer is over the age of 9 or so, ask them kindly to pay for the damaged merchandise. After all, we can’t sell broken light bulbs!
P.S. If the customer happens to be under the age of 9, please inform them, or their parent/guardian, of our “Working-it-Off” program.
Medical and Dental Benefits
Most employees at other light fixture retailers say, “Benefits, what’s that? I’ve got to pay an arm and a leg just to get one cast!” But, here at Wenton’s Fluorescents, we think that’s nonsense! Our Comrades are given access to one of the county’s best medical and dental plans. Absolutely free of charge! And this is no ultra-modern, fancy-pantsy PPO XYZ affair either—just plain, good old-fashioned healthcare. How, you ask? It just so happens that Cedar Well’s best dentist and physician are Mr. Wenton’s brother and brother-in-law, respectively. Dr. Wenton III and Dr. Knowlton will see to absolutely any job-related injury. What constitutes an injury? Are you in too much pain to tell someone you’re hurt? You’ve got yourself an injury.
Aside from healthcare, expense accounts, and employee discounts, Wenton’s gives our Comrades the opportunity to perform their best every time they clock in. Basically, we help you shine! And since Wenton’s is no ordinary light fixture retailer, we expect (demand!) to hire extraordinary people that help us help others. And that’s what Wenton’s is all about: Helping people find the perfect illuminating device (fluorescent bulb) for their home or business. We’re about connecting people! We’re about the fluorescent bulbs that light up your world!
The Perks Just Keep On Coming!
Working at Wenton’s is fun, awesome, cool, and, most of all, hyper-productive. We expect a lot of you! And you’d better deliver (please see the Probation Termination [PT] section of our Employee Welcoming Packet [again, EWP] for more information on this subject)! Setting and meeting high standards is what Wenton’s Fluorescents is all about. And our Goal is to turn you into the Best Possible Person (BPP) you can be! Get excited!!
Trust is an important issue in every business relationship, even between Comrades. Therefore, “snitching” to government agencies and/or competitors about Wenton’s Fluorescents’ business practices and/or workplace conditions will be frowned upon (ask a friendly Wenton manager for more on this subject!). However, the passing of valid information on the illegal behavior of fellow co-workers will be met with a more than deferential reaction. (What is illegal behavior? Ask a Wenton manager; be sure to get specific.) Above all, remember: Wenton’s Fluorescents is entrusting you with this phenomenal opportunity, be sure to return the favor!
The Last Nuts and Bolts
By now, you probably want to quit reading our EWP (Employee Welcoming Packet) and get started. We don’t blame you one bit! This is an exciting industry and your enthusiasm was a key reason why we hired you. But before you Energize Our Customers (EOC), we’d like to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about Wenton’s Fluorescents. Here are some FAQs (Frequently Allowed Questions):
What drives the employees of Wenton’s Fluorescents to offer such excellent EOC?
The biggest contributing factor to Wenton’s awesome customer satisfaction is expert knowledge combined with low, low prices and first-rate, high-class selection.
Why haven’t I heard or seen a Wenton’s Fluorescent commercial before? Are you guys too poor to advertise?
Here at Wenton’s, we don’t believe in that sort of hocus-pocus. We send our customers and most neighbors a weekly promotional packet filled with the latest and greatest in all things fluorescent. And we don’t hire new-age, hippie ad companies to do it either. We write and edit all these pamphlet ourselves.
You said it!
If you have any questions concerning the EWP, please don’t hesitate to ask a Wenton manager or fellow Comrade. Remember: We’re all here to help each other. Please leave your Employment Deposit (ED) with Mr. Wenton Sr. and grab your apron. It’s time to turn it on! Welcome to the Wenton Team! Now, go grab the bulb by the horns!!!