Welcome to The MicroFaceAppleGoogaZon Federation [MFAGZ-FED®]—formerly dba “The United States of America,” “The European Union,” “The People’s Republic of Hoboken,” and “The Silicon Free State®”—and to our West Coast Freemium TransitEntryPort.®
If you are visiting: We hope you will enjoy your stay!
If you are an Authorized Resident®: Welcome “Home!”™
We have a few minor matters of CustomsImmigration&Security™ to get out of the way, before sending you on to your next destination.
If you have not done so already, please upload all personal information onto the Privacy Pads® you will have received en route.
Keep in Mind [KiM!®]: The Withholding of Information® is a capital offense; and, “I thought you already knew that”™ is not a valid defense when you are found to be doing so (and you will be found out).®
All those aspiring to enter The Federation©—including spouses, partners, children, and pets—with a net annual income of under 6.2 million MFAGZ-Sheckloids® or the equivalent in BitCoin, precious gems or metals, or recognized foreign media of exchange, must undergo:
- Retinal, hand, foot, and facial recognition scans
- DNA testing
- An MRI
- A full cavity search
- An audit of seven years of MFAGZ Financial Accountability Statements®
- Disassembly, scanning, and chemical analysis of all luggage
These services are provided to you at minimal cost, which has already been factored into your transportation fees.
As you will already have read on our Upcharge Menu®: for a modest additional fee, you may choose to have your luggage re-assembled as well.
You may also request—for a modest additional fee—that any relevant information uncovered by these procedures be transferred to your Medi-File.®
We regret to inform you that, unfortunately, Item #7—Information Cleansing®—is no longer an available (indeed a legal) option.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause: If you have paid—or attempted to pay—for this service, please report to Line Zed® for interrogation, deportation, and/or arrest.
KiM!:® Regarding our security protocols, The Federation© neither issues nor accepts Certificates of Exemption®; if you made such a purchase, you were scammed—and may be liable for fines, surcharges, modest additional fees, and/or Digital Banishment.®
Currently we anticipate your HoldTime® for the completion of these procedures will be between fifteen and twenty minutes.
Please show consideration for your fellow travelers. If you are unsure about your current capacity to produce the requisite fluids, diuretics are available for your convenience—for a modest additional fee.
If you have traveled to, and/or are bringing in technology—carbon or silicon based; physical or virtual—from, The Chindian Empire® you must surrender these items to one of our Holographic Customer Service Agents®: they will calculate all necessary Smoot-Hawley Tech Tariffs.®
Technology from the Putin Commonwealth® must be surrendered as well; if decontamination is possible—or if you have a valid Certificate of Digital Hygiene®—it will be returned to you, and you will be billed (a modest additional fee) for the requisite tariffs and any necessary assessments or analyses.
Anything from LinuxLandia, however, will be destroyed—regardless of where or how it was obtained.
In that vein: We remind you that the use, promulgation, or possession of “Freeware” and “Shareware” constitute felonies—as do the unlicensed sale, purchase, or usage of Federation Technology.®
The incorporation into your bodies, moreover, of any of those (and/or other banned) technologies, emanating from domains, named or un-named—“when discovered; not if”®—will result in deportation for visitors and exile for Authorized Residents.®
KiM!:® Residence is a privilege, not a right.™
The Federation© takes abuse of its hospitality—as well as of its patents, copyrights, trademarks, or other intellectual property—very seriously.
We trust you understand that, “This is For the Benefit of All.”®
Please know that your security, convenience—and net worth!—are of paramount importance to every Associate of The MicroFaceAppleGoogaZon Federation.®
If there is any way in which we can make your journey—or this handful of minor procedures and requirements—easier for you, we would very much welcome your input.
KiM!:® Surcharges, taxes, and fines—as well as modest-additional-fees®—may apply.
But you already knew that.