Thank you for coming in to discuss your salary with us today.

We want to start off by saying that we know you’re loyal, trustworthy, and that you’ve never missed a day of work, even during the height of the pandemic. It’s important that you understand that we hear you, we see you, and to be quite frank we would love nothing more than to pay you a fair wage, however, we’d much rather spend it on boats and cocaine.

That might be a bit strange to hear because it’s not every day a company is as transparent as we are. Most of our competitors would look you dead in the eyes and lie straight to your face with excuses like a salary increase “wasn’t in the budget,” or was impossible due to “market factors out of everyone’s control.”

We’d prefer to be upfront by telling you that we do have the money in our budget, (boat)loads of it, and that there aren’t any factors in the market out of our control because companies like ours control it. It’s just not something we care to do at this point or any point of time in the future, because of our uncontrollable desire to own all of the boats and all of the cocaine.

If it makes you feel any better, we would like to acknowledge just how much we value your work output. You’re always the first person in the office, the last one to leave, and you’ve sacrificed your entire personal life to work here. We know you’ve always wanted to start your own family so we appreciate that you felt pressured enough to devote long hours and weekends here instead. You might feel like you wasted a lot of good years with us but it’s not like you had your own boat to go to.

Please think of this boardroom as a safe space. You can express yourself in any way you wish without judgement or fear of reprisals. You can cry too, which we see you’re already doing. Would you like a hug? Those are actually free and you can have as many as you’d like as long as you provide us with some kind of verbal or written consent. Just a little lesson we learned the hard way.

As much as we’d like to give you a raise, there are so many other things we’d also rather spend the money on like our wives, our kids, our mistresses, their kids, and our yachts. I guess those are boats too, just bigger. Well, those things are all expensive! Would you like to see a picture of our kids? Just kidding, we don't have any. What about a picture of our boats? We have tons of those.

Our doors are always open, so if there’s anything we can ever do to help, don't be afraid to ask. And that includes asking for a pay bump anytime you want, just as long as you realize it’s never going to happen as long as there are still needy boats and cocaine out there looking for a good home.

You know what? Look on the bright side, you won’t have to worry about your unlivable wage anymore because you've been let go. Yeah, we just decided that now while you were sitting here. To be honest, your crying made us feel really uncomfortable. Our boats never make us feel like that. And when our cocaine does it’s in a much more fun way. Would you like to see a picture of our cocaine?

Well, I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for all your contributions and best of luck.

Have you made a decision about that hug?