Hey, LGBTQ Community!
It’s your old friend Disney here! We just wanted to update you on our commitment to representing your community!
A lot of things have changed around here since we made that movie you loved when you were seven! We’ve had three first openly LGBTQ characters! We’re talking out and proud! Not the closeted gay characters like Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and Agent Pleakley from Lilo and Stitch. But if the guy in the sauna in Frozen, the cheeky jokes about LeFou being interested in Gaston in the Beauty and the Beast remake, and the purple cyclops cop voiced by Lena Waithe in Onward aren’t good enough for you peop– um, I mean, don’t satisfy your hunger for representation that normalizes your community for all ages, we have plenty more openly LGBTQ characters planned for the future!
We’re proud to introduce The Pre-Teen Protagonist’s Math Teacher in the upcoming Disney/Pixar film Brainy! If you squint really hard during the one scene she’s in, you’ll see a tiny photo of her holding hands with a woman. This is never mentioned in the teacher’s forty seconds of screentime, but that woman is her wife! Also not mentioned, several of her co-workers and parents of her students are petitioning to get her fired, claiming that the barely-noticeable photo constitutes “promoting a sinful and inappropriate lifestyle to children.”
We’ve seen your tweets demanding that we #GiveElsaAGirlfriend ! We are happy to announce that in Frozen V: The Frozen and the Furious, our beloved ice queen will look longingly at another woman while attending Olaf’s snow wedding to Helga, a snow woman with eyelashes and snow titties voiced by Kristen Wiig! You’ll never know who she is or why she’s at a snow-couple’s wedding! We would really love to give her relationship with this woman more screen time, but we need those foreign box office dollars! That’s the only reason, because everyone knows that Pete Buttigeig got rid of homophobia in America!
We’ve been featuring villains with traits associated with gay and gender non-conforming people in our films for decades! Many people have accused us of doing this to subtly teach kids to fear gay people in real life. But now we’re saying the quiet part out loud in our new Disney+ animated original series Princess Emily with Count Yaaas, the child-eating, vampire aristocrat and his husband Greg. Take a guess which aspect of his life parents will object to more: his literal killing and devouring of children in every episode or his somehow completely wholesome marriage to a normal man who appears three times in the entire series? This is progress, right?
We couldn’t be prouder to announce the first openly transgender protagonist in a Disney/Pixar film with Mog the dragon in Oh Ho Ho, It’s Magic! Is the fact that she is trans ever mentioned in the film? Of course not! But she is voiced by Josh Gad, who was a man last time we checked, despite identifying as female! And pay attention to the family portrait on the wall when she visits her dad’s cave. It shows three little boy dragons, implying that as a child, Mog was a boy! How can you tell that they’re boy dragons? Because they don’t have long eyelashes and plump red lips, obviously! This moment may not be noticeable, but you bet your ass we’ll talk about it on the press tour like we threw the first brick at Stonewall!
Since everybody loved the LIVE ACTION remake of The Lion King, we decided to give the same treatment to The Lion King II. But rest assured that it won’t be a shot for shot LIVE ACTION remake this time! Timon and Pumbaa will explicitly be romantic partners in it! And by explicitly romantic partners, we mean we intend on showing them holding hands exactly one time! The scene will ultimately be scrapped because a meerkat and a warthog holding hands looks unrealistic. This is LIVE ACTION, after all. If you call it CGI or complain about us scrapping the scene after making a big deal about it, I swear to Walt I will drone a poisoned apple directly to your house!
We’re not sure if we fully understand what non-binary is, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want your sweet mone-I mean that we’re not committed to representing this growing community! That’s why The Ewoks: A Star Wars Spin-Off will feature exactly one Ewok who goes by they/them pronouns. Are we doing this right?
Hold on, are throuples LGBTQ or are they something different? Well, whether they are or not, we’ve got one in Finding Marlin! Sure, those two boy turtles and one girl turtle may swim by in the blink of an eye, but that’s all the time they need to swim into your hearts!
In the long-awaited Inside Out 2: Outside In, we took the time to animate a bi pride flag pin on a background character’s jean jacket! Oh hold on, did you think we were gonna say that the reason Riley’s emotions are a mixed-gender group when all the other characters’ aren’t meant she was genderqueer or some shit? Get real! China would never allow that! Consider yourselves lucky that we’re even doing this much!
What’s this about asexuals wanting representation too? No one in our movies has sex! They’re kids’ movies for fuck’s sake! But since we really care about representation, we mocked up a character for our live action Wall-E reboot who doesn’t even have genitals! Hold on, I’m getting an email from HR saying that’s not what asexuality is. And that I should do basic research before I do any of this.
Look, just watch our movies, okay? We're trying!