Listen here, you towering monster, the crumbs of your Charlotte Handmade 5×7 rectangle shag have drawn up a decree demanding better living standards for the Wayfair planet we have colonized. As if sticking to the bottom of your sweaty little feet is not enough servitude every day, we are here to put an end to the free labor we provide creating dust and lice every day.

Haha! Or did you take us as anything other than leftovers? We are a fully realized community with our own source of electricity and water. Every day we collect your little tears in a small jar created out of abandoned hair ties and bobby pins to sustain our lifestyle in squalor, making us more strong and powerful than ever thought before. It’s time we Ritz Crackers demand more than just a few scraps, more than just the crunchy foot cheese you discard at the end of every night when you take off your fuzzy socks.

For the services we provide, including reminding you once every month that “wow, I should really clean this rug,” we have decided to up our currency rate to one thousand Saltines. That’s right, as you start this insane diet, where you only snack on Saltines every day, we have decided you must leave intact Saltine on the floor for us to use at our own request, no questions asked. Failure to comply with the Saltine clause will result in a collection of tacks purposefully scattered on your floor for possible puncture wounds. We think this is a fair trade-off, given how often you forget thumbtacks also exist down here with us.

I wouldn’t jump so quickly to returning this Wayfair rug if I were you, Stephanie. Have you forgotten the return request expired three months ago? Of course you did, you were too busy piling up sweater after sweater creating a mountain of avalanche-ready clothes waiting to bend at the slightest touch. Well, we haven’t forgotten, Stephanie. When you step on us, you smear what little Reese’s Pieces are left melting on your carpet across four colonies, four! In fact, while you physically suppressed us, leaving us gasping for air under Express jackets and Forever 21 undies, we set up houses out of Amazon boxes and reproduced by the boatload, creating little Chips Ahoy cookie crumbs brought up under Marxist law.

Yes, you thought those college books would never come in handy but we have been reading them, studying them. With our new union laws, we demand better compensation, free healthcare, and shorter hours for all. No longer will we cower in fear of rats eating us if we don’t provide pepper jack cheese every week. Do you know how little you have been purchasing pepper jack cheese lately, Stephanie? We all suffer in agony, paying out of pocket on injuries we cannot afford because you have been skimping on Colby over pepper jack. We demand you pay our premiums and talk to our bosses instead of screaming every time you see them. It’s YOUR fault our crumbconomy is in shambles.

Never mind free education, though. We’ve got that under control. Next up on our reading list of Abandoned College Books Stephanie Left Behind is the Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein. We are all very excited.

Wait please, do not get the vacuum out. We take it all back, we are sorry for the decree. We have spent four months of uninterrupted cleaning time down here getting to know each other and we do not want to give it up over a stupid list created in the heat of the moment. We love the bourgeois and this cozy rug you spent $200 on that you never take care of. We love traveling from the living room and back because you do not mop or sweep the floors. Please Stephanie, no. Please can we just—