Check here if you still reside at this address.
[If you’ve moved please fill out the change of address form on the back.]
Check here if your name has changed.
[If not, leave this blank and maybe go get something out of the refrigerator. You’re probably hungry.]
Please indicate your date of birth in the format month/day/year:
[What do you like to eat on your birthday? It’s probably not in your kitchen right now. You should go out.]
Please enter your state ID/driver’s license number or the last four digits of your social security number:
[If you do not provide this information here, you will be required to provide identification the first time you vote. While you’re on your way why not stop for a bite to eat? Hildie’s Roadside Café is pretty close to your polling place.]
Please enter the name of the state in which you were born:
[If you put Ohio, you probably like chili, and Hildie’s has some of the best chili you’ve ever had. Will knock you right on your Buckeye ass.]
Check your political party preference below.
I do not wish to register with a political party
[A place that you won’t have to deal with partisan rancor is Hildie’s Roadside Café. I can speak from experience because Hildie is my sister-in-law and she keeps the vibe fun and light.]
Please enter the address at which you were last registered to vote (if any):
[If this is your first time voting, a little word to the wise: you’ll need a full stomach and my girl Hildie can take care of that for you. You want a piece of pie to go on your way out? She’s got one of those glass cases that rotates. Classic!]
Please enter the address where you get your mail (if different from your residence):
[Do I get a little kickback for customers I send her way? Sure! I need to eat too. If you bring your voter registration card with you to Hildie’s, you’ll get 15% off your entire order.]
Please state the language in which you prefer to receive election materials:
[Wait, that doesn’t make sense. If you bring your registration with you, it won’t be in the mail to register you to vote. Maybe I need to rethink this.]
Your telephone number:
[Just got off the phone with Hildie, and she says a photo of your registration card won’t work because people could abuse it, and she’s not running a charity. So I guess just bring it in with you and mail it as soon as you’re done with that glorious chili.]
Your e-mail address:
[Hildie asked if I’m still doing “that little job for the Secretary of State office,” like what I do isn’t important. She was like, “Oh still pretending that voting is going to get us out of this thing, huh? Must be nice.” I know she’s family but I don’t know, man.]
Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss:
[To be honest, the pies in the rotating glass thing are store bought, but they’re still good. I don’t want to dissuade you. The chili is still top notch, can’t beat it.]
Dos and Don’ts:
• No sloganeering, political messaging or campaigning is allowed within 300 feet of the polling place.
[You know now that I think of it, she did say some weird stuff at Thanksgiving last year that made everyone uncomfortable.]
• You are only permitted to vote once, any attempt to vote more than once is punishable by law.
[We all were polite about it but she kept saying how the meal would be so much better if we were still on the gold standard.]
• You must be 18 years old on or before Election Day to vote.
[She also has a lot of opinions about Albanians for some reason, so maybe don’t bring that up.]
• The polls open at 8 AM and close at 8 PM. If you are in line before closing time you will be allowed to vote.
[I assume she wouldn’t talk like that at her own restaurant, especially to customers. Although she does like to comment on how people’s shirts “hug their figure” when they’re at the register.]
• No food or drink will be allowed in the voting booth, but is allowed in line.
[Look, go to her restaurant if you want, it’s up to you. I’ve done my part.]
• Your polling place is wheelchair accessible and if any additional assistance is needed, please let a poll worker know.
[Fuck it, her chili is from Wendy’s. She doesn’t know how to cook. She’s a monster and must be stopped.]