Kerri Bruckley, ‘93, is messaging barely known former classmates on Facebook to take part in what she assures them is not a pyramid scheme, but actually a triangle arrangement.

Brad Okesson, ‘04, performed a TEDx talk entitled “Keynesian Economics and Its Relation to Microloan Structures in Haiti” in a dream and it did not go well at all.

Shelby Litmer, ‘07, hasn’t answered a phone call in seven years.

Craig Pratchett, ‘12, was promoted to living in his parent’s guest room after three years residing in the Toyota Camry parked out front.

Skyler Miller, ‘13, watched six Netflix documentaries on cults and thinks he’s ready to join one.

Delores Atkins, ‘99, is a self-renowned blogger focused on forcing her friends to read her blog.

Benjamin Kim, ‘96, and Linda Suchett, ‘97, were married for health insurance purposes only on a hot and uncomfortable beach where they and all of their guests were attacked by coconut crabs.

Ned Zelasny, ‘06, is waiting to see what Jill Stein does with all of that money he gave her.

Shelly Quince, ‘00, is teaching English in Korea to fool herself into thinking she isn’t 40.

Donnie “Duke” McConnell, ‘95, was verified on Twitter for being a notable white supremacist.

Megan Kingston, ‘15, is living inside a WeWork. Please don’t tell WeWork or anyone who might tell WeWork.

Ernest Bent, ‘09, is in charge of making sure people don’t live inside any of WeWork’s many locations. He’s terrible at his job.

Juan Baerga, ‘10, has only ever used the knowledge he gained from his $160,000 engineering degree when determining which piece to remove in Jenga without losing.

Nancy Crown, ‘14, is still pretending she graduated in 2014 and didn’t actually drop out two years earlier.

Travis Perani, ‘09, married rich, divorced poor, remarried average. All three of his weddings featured coconut crab attacks.

Brianna Swed, ‘93, is taking part in an exciting new business venture known as a triangle arrangement.