2 Days: Paper
This is not technically an “anniversary” by a week/month distinction, but you know your relationship is official when it hits that 48-hour mark. Celebrate this momentous occasion by giving your significant other a piece of college-ruled notebook paper that has your initials encapsulated in a pencil-drawn heart.
Bonus points if it says “4EVER” under the initials.
1 Week: An Open-Mouthed Kiss
A whole week together? Now everyone in Mrs. Goldstein’s homeroom knows that you’re together but the way you pass each other notes and send kisses across the room. Now that you’ve hit this one-week milestone, it’s time to gift your significant other with an open-mouthed kiss. That’s right, your after-school rendezvous in your partner’s brother’s car that he’s using while his brother is studying abroad in Canada have been taken to the next level. Enjoy the closeness that comes with having your partner’s saliva in your mouth.
2 Weeks: A $10 Gift Card to Baskin Robbins
Nothing says romance like a monetary gift. Let your sweetie know you care by gifting them with the gift card that your mom gave you on your last birthday but you never used it because you forgot about it. Sure, you didn’t buy it yourself, but now you and your darling have a date to Baskin Robbins. Symbolic of the two weeks you’ve been together, this is two gifts in one: ice cream and a date with you.
3 Weeks: Your Middle School Sweatshirt
Monica in Algebra wears her boyfriend’s hoodie and they been together for one week less than you have. Obviously, it is time for you to give your lover something that holds sentimental value: the frayed and misshapen sweatshirt from the middle school you attended. Now your sweetie pie can feel like they are hugging you all day long. It even smells like the Teen Spirit deodorant you used in sixth grade. How romantic!
1 Month: A Lifestyle Condom in Cherry Flavor
A month in high school is basically a decade in real people years, so it’s time to show your pookie-poo that you’re ready to take things to the next level. You asked your friend Kacey what to get your baby-bubbo to show him that you’re ready to get physical, and she gave you an expired cherry flavor condom from the school nurse’s Longaberger condom basket. Sure, you don’t really know what to do with it but you learned how sex works in health class last semester and you’re ready to give it a shot. Just maybe not quite yet.
2 Months: Putting the Day You Got Together in Your Instagram Bio
Congratulations! You have lasted longer than most couples in your grade. Your love is real, and now it’s time to show the world. The traditional gift of this milestone is to put the date that you two got together in your Instagram bio. Make sure to add several heart emojis, a lock emoji, and the monkey covering its eyes emoji. Maybe even spice it up by adding a rose, a four-leaf clover, or even something like the flounder to show that you’re spunky and have a sense of humor. And, no, I don’t mean your finsta. This is going on your public page.
3 Months: Your First Break Up
Your cuddle bunny is the only one you’ll ever love, but let’s face it: every couple fights. We can’t all be Chrissy Teigan and John Legend, sometimes we’re Jokers and Harley Quinns. Just because you get mad and block each other’s numbers for two days doesn’t mean your love isn’t real. You might find that a good accompaniment for this gift is a Snapchat of the top half of your face with tears streaming down your eyes that says, “only real ones know what’s wrong. Don’t snap me for the rest of the day.”
3 Months 1 Day: Getting Back Together
As the vintage artist Florence Welch used to say, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” This anniversary, give your partner the gift of your forgiveness and get back together. Your love is stronger than ever, even if you hold some resentment and you will no doubt break up again next month.
6 Months: A Pregnancy Scare
Turns out that Cherry condom really was expired. You didn’t even notice when it broke, and now you’ve got a little snafu on your hands: your period is late. This feels like the end of the world! You tell your little baby bubble bucket and he’s surprisingly calm and says he wants to keep the baby. You know what, you’d actually make great parents! Sure, you’re 16, but you are so in love with your gooshy wooshy kissy butt that you just know you’ll make it through this and you’re starting to think of names and- oh, never mind. Guess you weren’t pregnant. Glad that’s over! You’d hate to get that fat.
8 Months: A Diamond
Much like the traditional anniversary gift that is given at 60 years together, 8 months with your high school honey bunny warrants a diamond! Yes, this is the heirloom ring your great grandmother gave to you in her last will and testament. Sure, when your mom finds out you gave away a vintage ring worth $20,000 she will freak out, but it’s so worth it to show your dinkle-doodoo just how much you cherish your relationship. I mean, 8 months? You might as well get married! This is basically an engagement ring. Will you marry me?
11 Months: Going to Different Colleges
Maybe the traditional 8 month anniversary gift was a bit excessive. You and your little love monkey have been in a bit of a rough patch, and you’ve chosen colleges on opposite sides of the country. Fear not, though! Your love has fared through much worse. You will write each other letters daily and call every night. If anything, this is a testament to your bond and this is a gift to both of you; the gift of learning just how strong your love is. Love knows no distance!
2 Years: Breaking Up
This is the pinnacle, the ultimate gift you can give your booboo boy; the knowledge that you were only staying together through college because the idea of being alone is scary. Once you were able to branch out and actually form yourself into a real person with interests and a personality, you realized that you guys actually have close to nothing in common. Talking on the phone with each other was like a simulated conversation used in an English for Second-Language Learners class and when you do actually have anything substantial to say to each other, it usually is just something for you to fight about. Actually, you’re not really that attracted to each other either. Why were you together for so long?
In hindsight, your relationship was pretty unhealthy and actually prevented you from branching out and learning how to be an independent person. Jason in your Biology lab is pretty cute… maybe the best anniversary gift is the one you give yourself: the freedom to hit on Jason now that you’re out of your crappy high school relationship.